Warren Miller Entertainment Indicted on Federal Money Laundering Charges

“If you don’t launder money this year, you’ll be one year older when you do.”

Warren Miller Entertainment (WME) has been indicted by a grand jury in Salt Lake City for alleged money laundering-related crimes.

In a statement from the office of Merrick Garland, United States attorney general, “A whistle-blower complaint originating within WME kicked off a months-long investigation. We quickly realized this was a multi-million dollar operation involving off-shore accounts, Deutsche Bank and entities with ties to Russian criminal syndicates. Through hard work and inter-agency cooperation with the FBI and Homeland Security, we have exposed and put a stop to an alleged pattern of egregious criminal behavior.”

NS News reached out to former professional skier and expert on money laundering, David Lesh, “These are pretty serious charges against a very powerful company. While getting an indictment from a grand jury is not an insurmountable task, the Federal prosecutors must be confident in their evidence. WME must be feeling nervous because from my personal experiences, if the Feds want you, they’ll get you.”

Within the ski industry, the announcement seemed to confirm rumors which have circulated for years. Steve Winter, founder of Matchstick Productions, “Despite ski movie sales and attendance at premieres plummeting, WME somehow managed to thrive. Even before COVID, no-one attended their Ringling Bros premieres so where was the money coming from?” Winter continued, “It didn’t seem possible to turn a profit while over-spending on buying other peoples’ shots, the extensive marketing campaigns and releasing sub-par, bullshit content.”

Josh Berman, president of Level 1 Productions, alluded to the industry rumors in a statement on Instagram, “Fuck WME. They’re a bunch of slimy, gaper-fucking corporate douches. Allegedly running money for Russian gangsters? Its not the scummiest shit they’ve done so I’m not surprised to hear there’s some truth behind the rumors. This is the best thing to happen to skiing since twin tips.”

Yesterday, Warren Miller’s estate issued the following statement, “We only wish Warren could have been alive to see this. This behavior is disgusting and not surprising since they did sue Warren Miller, preventing him from speaking on film ever again. Allegedly assisting enemies of the United States for financial gain? That’s on par behavior for these fucking scumbags. We hope they rot in hell.”

Warren Miller Entertainment declined to comment for this story.

DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of satire and should be taken as such. If you believe this story is real, then you are dumber than the jackasses at Warren Miller Entertainment who sued Warren Miller into silence.