Anger in and of itself isn’t toxic, it’s how the anger is dealt with. For incels to externalize their anger the way they do is unhealthy. Yes, society is full of injustice and evil. (Hi, I’m a Black man in America. Duhh.) However, there’s a big difference between centuries of systematized, institutionalized racial prejudice, and what incels describe as their struggle.
What did people of color do when faced with racism on a massive scale? How did they cope with the anger they felt, at being trivialized as human beings? They marched. They protested. They went to the Supreme Court. They gave speeches. They got arrested. They were beaten, assaulted, threatened with death. A few of us — more than a few — died violent, horrible deaths. They got some of what they needed: recognition as human beings. It’s an ongoing process, and it’s not over by any means.
So, incels, how are your rights being denied to you? Are you being prevented from buying a home in the neighborhood of your choice? Have you had dogs sicced on you, firehoses and water cannons knocking you down, for just trying to march and advocate the right to vote? Have you been denied the duty of serving your country? (Yes, there was a time when men of color could not join the armed forces; later, they were allowed to join, but only to serve in batallions of the same race, and not to rise above a certain rank. Perish the thought they should be in command of men not of their color. Women? Please.) Have you been pulled over and arrested for “driving while black”? Have you been dragged behind a pickup truck for miles until dead?
I don’t ask these questions lightly. There’s a genuine struggle for people who have been marginalized for generations to finally receive their justice, even in this so-called “enlightened age” of the 21st century. I want to know how long and to what degree you’ve been held down, so I can understand how to help you get the help you need.
Is being denied sexual contact “evil”? Is it “injustice”? How can being desired, wanted, needed, be toxic? Babies suffer from lack of human contact, and thrive upon receiving it. The toxicity comes from whether the contact is considered an obligation, a debt from someone socially inferior. No one is entitled to sexual intimacy on that basis. No woman is inferior to any man. No person is inferior to any other. The only reasonable basis for judgement for a prospective mate (sexual or otherwise) is whether they have the best interests for themselves and others in mind, as compassionate, healthy human beings. Everything else is secondary.
Previously, I referred to “Chads” (in the incel paradigm) as those who can have sex with women of their choice, whenever they wanted it. That characterization is illogical, to say the least. No one can have sex whenever they want, with whomever they want, neither male nor female. There’s no one kind of human that appeals to all humans; if that were so, no one would be making millions of dollars in the online dating industry.
Not even the most attractive, most physically desirable human being (by whatever metric one chooses) can walk into any room, look at the people there like the produce section of a supermarket, point, beckon, and walk out with a sex partner. If incels think there are men are like that, they’re sadly mistaken. If they think there’s women like that, they’ve spent too much time watching porn.
Sexual intimacy isn’t a commodity, bought and sold like stocks. It’s not a competition, for which one scores points depending on what kind of contact is achieved (the old baseball metaphor: First, Second, Third, Home Run). All this incel/MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) noise drowns out the larger issue: those who don’t want, or feel they don’t need, emotional intimacy. For them, it’s an encumbrance, an awkward burden to avoid. Sorry, guys. Sex is part of a relationship, whether casual or long-term. Avoid emotional bonding at your own emotional peril. The Emily Nagoski story we’re responding to said it well: “… incels are not horny, they are lonely. Deeply, pathologically lonely.”
Anger’s an emotion, but so is love. How you experience and express love will determine how you receive it.