I’m Burnt Out (and That’s OK).

Engineers and Burnout

In a PyCon 2014 talk titled “It’s Dangerous to Go Alone: Battling the Invisible Monsters in Tech,” Julie Pagano, a Software Engineer at Google, aptly described Burnout as such:

In her talk, Julie says that “when you get to burnout, you don’t love coding… you kind of hate it… and you’re doing the bare minimum… just enough not to get fired… because you hate everything and [you’re] exhausted and don’t want to do anything anymore.” She has seen this before in other engineers with the result being:

From Julie’s experience in industry, “A lot of people, when they hit this kind of burnout, have a difficulty coming back. Some have even left their careers permanently.” So if not handled carefully, burnout can be a kiss of death, especially when it is left unchecked for an extended period of time.

In my own community of peers and engineers I have noticed similar patterns. Here are some things they communicated via social media:

• “My mind is tired and I want all the work to end. Someday I won’t feel tired all the time. Also get rid of this feeling of perpetual guilt.” — said by cybersecurity researcher after leaving her research program.
• “…I stopped going to class. I missed exams. Failed all of my courses. Went in to the next semester on academic probation, and started to wonder if I’d get kicked out of school.” — said by an avid hacker who has since left school.
• “ I stay up hours later than I mean to, not even doing anything, just trying to put off sleeping — because the next thing I experience will be waking up and going back to work… But I can’t do this any more. It’s running me into the ground.” — Eevee, an avid programmer, blogger, and author of this post.

Despite the somber shadow of burnout in their lives, the engineers I just quoted have not yet reached a “Game Over” state. In fact, they are thriving, and though I do not know the details of how they overcame their burnout, they have proven that one can work through this! Not only can you surpass this, but you’ll become better and stronger for it.

My Encounter with Burnout

I began the Fall 2015 semester full of energy and enthusiasm, which I expressed through avid class participation, punctuality, genuine interest in the subjects I was studying, and a bounce in my step as I mulled over class discussions in my head while walking on campus. I was around. I was bubbling with ideas. I was ready to volunteer. The classes were challenging but that didn’t matter because I was on fire about doing well, which I did, for a while.

Then halfway through the semester, I chose to miss four days of classes for a once-a-year opportunity. I traveled, I attended a conference, and I had the time of my life. I regret nothing about those four days I missed. However, the aftermath of having to make up midterms and rush work to meet deadlines proved to be too overwhelming, and I failed to hit the ground running. Upon my return I flunked a mid-term, a quiz, and a project. I had fallen behind on readings and assignments, and on top of all that, I had interviews and follow-ups from the conference, as well as the good fortune of having my car break down one morning (leading to more missed classes). I was torn about where to focus my attention and over the following weeks, the apprehension and anxiety replaced curiosity and enthusiasm as I progressed through the early stages burn-out.

Weeks later, here I am, in the hole and dealing with it.

I May Be in a Hole but While I’m Here…

I will offer you these suggestions for wrestling with burnout:

1. Be kind to yourself. It’s natural to have feelings of guilt and self-doubt when you’re not performing to the best of your abilities. When this happens, it’s tempting to engage in negative patterns of behavior where you mentally berate yourself constantly for your “shortcomings.” This doesn’t help, so please stop yourself from doing this.
2. Start saying ‘no’ to things. Be very selective about where and on what you spend your time and energy. Julie Pagano touches upon the dangers of “doing all the things” as a prelude to her explanation of burnout.
3. Find new hobbies and activities to help you relax and recharge. For example, I decided to work on my writing skills by creating this Medium post. I am happy about this decision, even if it cost me time that I would have otherwise used to bash my head against the keyboard over my Haskell project that’s due in 3 days. Among other activities that I have taken up are: Japanese, semi-regular exercise, and reading up on current events.
4. Show up. Oftentimes, being physically present at mandatory meetings or class is enough. Sometimes it isn’t. Regardless, it’s definitely a bare minimum requirement for staying engaged with your work, so do it.
5. Trust yourself. If you truly love programming or whatever other thing you’re burnt out about, this affliction will pass. Have faith that given enough time to recharge, you will return to your passionate self!
6. Make arrangements to give yourself as much time as you need, and be patient. If you must work on projects, then modify your schedule so you can work on it at a slower pace, if possible. Do as much or as little work as you can stomach, and save the rest for later. If you need an extension, ask for an extension. Chances are your colleagues or professors prefer that you produce something of higher quality in more time, than something mediocre and broken in less time.
7. Communicate with those around you! If you’re mentally exhausted and not at your best, be honest and upfront with your colleagues about your current limitations. Informing others enables them to support your, or at the very least work around your problem. If you’re on a team project, be very clear on what part of the project you want to be responsible for —i.e. if you can only handle the documentation, then say that, if you only want to do testing, then say that. I know it may be hard and embarrassing to ask others to ease your workload, especially if you’re used to trailblazing ahead of everyone on projects. But trust me on this, letting people know what’s going on shows that you’re serious about doing what you need to do to get past this blockage. Unfortunately, your burnout doesn’t relieve you of all responsibilities, but you do need to actively look out for yourself in order to get back to normal as soon as you can.

I personally find the steps I listed above helpful for overcoming burnout quickly. This is my second bout with burnout since I started college and the first time it happened, I fought against it with awful results. Instead of respecting my mental exhaustion, I denied the condition by choosing to “tough it out” on my own without seeking support; instead of choosing to be kind and patient with myself, I took a punishment-based approach. As a result, I became depressed, and it took me four difficult semesters (almost 2 years!) to move past it. Now, because I am choosing to be kind and patient with myself, I am not only (barely) staying afloat in my classes, but I can slowly feel myself going back to normal after a month of being burnt out. I see little pieces of my driven self re-emerging whenever I catch myself daydreaming about a problem I’ve been trying to solve for a project. I smile to myself when I see that my recent browsing history on Amazon has programming books on it again. And above all, I am much happier and calmer than I was the first time I was burnt out. I hope that those of you who are currently, or will be dealing with burnout in the future can find similar peace while working through this condition.