About him — III.

June 25th, 2016

I have been trying not to speak or care about him. I try with all my heart not to see his profile online, nor to listen to sad songs, nor to even think about him. Sometimes I even forget that he is no longer here, until I want to share something and I remember I have no friends but him.

Yesterday, he called to say he was going to take our daughter to a birthday party. He picked her up today at 1 and I didn’t even speak nor look at him… unlike the last time, when I cried and begged him not to leave me. No. Not again. I took a deep breath and held my soul, and I felt the pounding of my dying heart, but I did not look at him. I just told him I was going out too, that he had to feed her and also that he had to start giving me money at the end of each month. He left with her in no more than 15 minutes.

Like I said, I went out too. I distracted myself long enough to even forget I had a daughter. When I came home, he was having tea with her and my dad… he knew I did not want him eating in my house anymore, I knew I asked him to leave at those times in the future. But for some reason, I did not care he was there. It was like before… life if for one moment, everything was ok with us. I asked him how was the party and we laughed a bit when he said he forgot to buy a present. Classic of him without me. He smiled when I said to my dad that I forgot about the traffic jam at the main street.

After he left, I forbid myself to ask him anything. But I could not keep myself from doing what I always did when he left at night… I messaged him asking if he was safe at home. He said “yes, already in bed”. I just told him “ok” and thought that would be all. But after several minutes he said “have a good rest”, and I felt for a second that he missed me and wanted to speak more, but I just said “same”, and that was all.

If he only knew I’m dying inside. That I cannot breath the same since we are apart. That I need a more concrete answer. That I struggle everyday just to keep living with myself, all alone. That I miss him dearly and I’m desperate to hug and kiss him everytime he appears around here. That all I want is him to love me again.