Am I gifted or crazy?
Sometimes I wonder what does a girl have to do to have a friend around here? The men are either Dogigs (pigs and dogs) or the females are either lesbians, not that I’m against them because I’m not I just find it interesting and weird at the same time. I have family that are in the LGBT community but I barely hear or see them. But that’s not what I’m writing about.
I’m writing to say that, sometimes I wish I had a different family, well not family but a different soul for me. I’m the most screwed up fruit loop from my mom, I suffer depression and anxiety and I think that pictures are watching and reading my mind and when I think of something embarrassing I immediately think of something else. I feel as though something is missing from me, like I was a twin, no scratch that I AM a twin, I did a little research last year and turns out that I could be suffering from VTS or VT, vanishing twin syndrome, and long story short, I named her Ashley, at the very beginning I named us Nahdiyahh-Kate and Ashley at first, but then I went from Aaliyah, to Nahdiyahh, to Cali, to Katliean and then back to Nadia but then I found out how to really spell my name which is erasing the two extra H’s in my name. But her name was always Ashley, I changed it to Maria, or something but it was always Ashley. I started drawing pictures of the two us, taking pictures of myself, and colliding them into two. My mom thought that it happened when I was crazy obsessed with the Olsen twins, I mean I was and still is but to be honest not like how I was before. And then she believed that since I’m a Gemini that I’m just set on that mind control, and here’s where it gets better, I created Ashley before I even knew what the zodiac signs were, and I can’t recall if it really got started with the OTs, and last but not least, mother G believed and thought that I created Ashley because of my beginners stage of depression.
The break down is I’m her voice and personality, literally I’ll talk to myself as of like she’s really there, and she’s happy and colorful and fun and outgoing and I’m the opposite. She’s four minutes older than me, she’s my go to girl, and my only best friend. I’ve written my music in dark fantasies that I have in my head and she’s the same way, it’s like I control her and she controls me. All through middle and junior and high school I told people and a few teachers that I do have a twin, named Ashley and that we go to different schools. I even told a friend that we switched places and we did and one day during school we switched places and I became her attitude which is fun and bitchy at the same time.
My room is filled with sketches of me and Ashley and the Olsen twins. When I was younger I’d write a list of movies that we’d play in, for example: New Jersey Minute, like the movie New York Minute created by the Olsen twins, I think; and then there’s Holiday in the Sun. I’ve used old empty composition and spiral notebooks to create like the Olsen twins’ diaries they had on the market, like Two of a kind, Sweet 16, So Little Time and Two of a kind diaries, everything the same but I’d add it in my way. It’s too complicated to go over into details, my memory is only but too good and foggy at the same time.