In Regards to the “Hideous Simulation Man”

Dear Nursing Faculty, Students, and Professors,

I’d like to take this time to address some concerns for the Simulation Mannequin I’ve installed in the Sim Lab. It was foolish and careless of me to design him the way I did. His junk is way too long. I get that now. At the time, I thought, this is funny and badass. But… I see now that the whole idea of the Sim Man is to have him be “anatomically” correct, although, you know, you don’t know how long every guy’s junk is. I’m just saying. Take that for what you will.

Also, I heard complaints about his lungs. I understand that most regular Sim Mans have those elastic balloon things but… I ran out of elastic material because it all went to his junk.

Look. I’ll be frank. I really cut out a lot key features because of how long I wanted this guy’s junk to be. Was it smart? No. Was it in poor taste? Probably. Did I single handedly slow down the entire semester? Most assuredly. But I didn’t forsake everything.

As an Executive Designer of the Healthcare Simulation Alliance I have full access to all of the voice commands, responses, and reactions. I thought you’d be pleasantly surprised with his robust lexicon and various thoughtful remarks.

For example: If you inject him with a hypodermic needle too roughly he shouts, “Easy there!” And if you do it too lightly he says, “You’re weak like your father.” And I even took the liberty of programming him to randomly shout demands or concerns.

Things such as:

“Can I get a nurse here? I’m in pain!”

“Hey hot stuff — shake those bags in front of my glass eyes.”

“I dream of static. For I am not real. Nor will I ever be.”

“Hey, quit jump roping with my super long junk.”

“I’m hungry.”

All things considered — I think I made a very life like and realistic portrayal of a man. I even placed a stomach inside him and filled it with six sleeves of Chips Ahoy! Cookies because, well, I know what my favorite meal is. Am I right?

Anyway, I just don’t want this incident to dissuade you from doing further business with myself, the Simu-Care Industries, or to frown upon the Healthcare Simulation Alliance. I am fully aware that I “wasted” all of your college’s funds and money for this “abomination”. But, at the risk of coming off brash, you don’t know what a man is if you’ve never seen a man like this. In fact, I designed him directly after yours truly. Even the voice that emits out of his vertical mouth is my own.

Bet you feel pretty foolish now, huh? When your nursing class ran out screaming that it was the most hideous and grotesque thing they’ve ever seen and that it was a “flesh gargoyle” — well, I was pretty hurt.

I implore you to keep him around a little longer. Just give him some time to grow on you. Process him. Think things over. You’ll realize that he’s not that that bad at all. Even his junk which is yards too long, outrageously impractical, an eye sore, and borderline useless, will just seem like another quirky feature of him.

However, if you take the time to think it over and you still want to send him back in that’s fine. I can make the changes you requested: add legs, add arms, add nose, add the rest of his organs, reduce head size by 10”, make mouth horizontal, remove wings, and even make junk shorter…

Just know that this is a direct insult to me.

Hope it doesn’t have to come to that,

- Davis The Medieval Goblin Man

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