Taxi Make Out 101 and Some Take-Away Chicken Soup for the Rookie Soul.

It isn't as easy as it looks. Now, stop looking at me like that.

Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Date someone who doesn't own a car. Or find someone born to parents who don’t trust them with their pet parrot, let alone the car.

Trust me, I’m medicated and I almost always know what I’m saying.

You will meet this specimen at the local bar. Your local watering hole where many, like yourself, gather for the regular weekend human sacrifice to the higher order of teachers, monks and if you’re not paying the bill that night, Scottish men who love to walk.

But allow me to digress a tad bit. You know what to do. You've played the game before and you know the cheat codes. But you need to know what I’m about to tell you right now.

(Diva pause)

Taxis were made for making out.

Yes, my regular Jagdeep-from-the-block, taxis were made so that you and preferably, a willing partner could experience what some have defined as “a soul-changing” experience. Taxis or rickshaws are also known as the “tuk-tuk” in Sri Lanka. I like saying tuk-tuk so I’ll be referring to ricks as “tuk-tuk” from here on.

Tuk-tuk

One last time, tuk-tuk.

Moving on.

The tuk-tuk make out session is a right of passage for every space-cramped, privacy-lacked Individual who wishes to live a night of shameless indulgence and this time, he’s willing to pay the price. This time the price being the night fare that cab’s charge but hey! no one said it was gonna be cheap.

So, do yourself and your grandchildren a favour. Leave your false sense of erudition behind along with that last pint of beer and find this specimen so that you both can slide into that fake leather-seated, dull-scented, poorly lit backseat of a tuk-tuk. Liberate yourself from the handcuffs of society that tell you that this unashamed act of dizzy fun is wrong and poor social conduct. Handcuff yourself to the possibility of that speed bump on the road that will take you to the sky and back.

There’s a thin line between making out in a tuk-tuk and adventure sports. Trust me. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got. I’m still (i’m still) Jenny-from-the-block.

Call it a check-list or last minute revision notes but here’s a list of things to keep in mind.

Have a seat. Tuk-tuk make out 101 is in session.

1) Tuk-tuk make outs can be tricky. We’re dealing with the combined forces of wind, uneven momentum, onlookers, rain, traffic, dust cloud, eunuchs, poor lighting, muddy potholes, peanut sellers, eunuchs, kids trying to sell you pirated versions of The Secret, election campaigns and wait, did I mention eunuchs? You will need to zero down your world to the backseat of that holy trail and drown out all those voices. This takes time, but you get there eventually. Yes, eunuchs.

2) Make outs of this precise nature tend to be very physically tiring. Limber up a little before you hail a tuk-tuk. If you’re a contortionist, you were born to make out in one and you may stop reading this. I wish you luck in all your future make out adventures. But for the rest of us mortal civilians, the only form of contortion we've ever experienced is the 9:00 local. So this may come as a rude shock but all in all, it’s a good stretch. And I don’t know about you but I could use a good stretch now and then.

3) Positioning is key. Again, limber up. Do a couple of lunges and neck rolls in seclusion. I repeat this because there’s a reason I called the line thin between this and adventure sports. And if you think I’m joking, don’t come crying when you can’t move your neck after having gone over a bump when your back was busy playing join the dots with player 2, if you know what I mean.

4)Rookie mistake alert! — Stop the make out session when the tuk-tuk stops at the traffic signal. You’ll be thanking god for traffic signals. To avoid that awkward silence, ask the person their name, maybe. Ask them what they think about the upcoming elections. Check your mail. Sip on some water. Think of it as a time-out before entering the ring again. Read this last minute revision note again, just so you know you haven’t forgotten anything.

5) You may forget this midst the heavy petting but you’re still using public transport at the end of the day. That means the meter is ticking and so is the clock. There is only so many times the driver’s going to roam around the same lane. Plan your move and don’t chicken out. You may have to pay a few extra bucks, yes but fortune favours the bold, brother.

6) Over-the-top jeans action is fine but anything more and we've just entered slutville. There’s a class to it. Sure, at face value, what you’re doing is “cheap” but that word gets overused way too much these days. Don’t let your freak flag fly too high. Nobody likes an exhibitionist. At least not in Chembur East, I hear.

7) Pace yourself a little. You can’t exactly charge people for viewing what you’re doing. In other words, you may be activating a few barf reflexes. So, watch the hands, pal. I know it’s been a while but people are returning home after a hard day and no one wants to see that. You had to know this. Tough love, baby.

8) That poor driver dude has had to watch the back seat events roll by for the past half-hour. Whenever he looked in to his rear-view, his field of vision was obstructed by your panting, sweating awkwardness and that weird expressions your face makes when you got too excited. At least give the dude a couple extra bucks. It’s the least you could do after he was forced into a front row seat to a movie he didn’t want to watch.

9) Since you were so preoccupied with other thing, the possibility of you having left something behind is high. Pat down your pocket when you get off, the tuk-tuk. Do a quick mental run through.

Wallet — check

Cellphone- check

Mother calling on the cellphone- reality check

If you don’t bother checking, then this might turn into the most expensive tuk-tuk ride of your life.

10) Pick a young driver who’s either too tired or looks like he doesn’t give a rat’s ass. The old guys with the religious emblems hanging from the dash, he’s been doing this for a long time. Spare him. Think about how many dizzy headed lunatics like you this guy has endured.