May 17, 2016: Happy Late April Fool’s

“There are wounds in life that in loneliness chip and eat away your soul like leprosy. These pains can’t be revealed to others since people treat these unbelievable pains as unnatural, and strange events. If someone expresses them, people resort to conventional wisdom or their own belief and thus treat it with a grin, doubt, or ridicule. Since there is no cure or treatment for these pains, the only pacifier and medicine is alcohol, drugs, and artificial sleep through opiates. It is a pity that these have only a temporary effect and instead of solace, will only add to the pain.”
— Sadegh Hedayat, the Blind Owl.

Today, I need to write. Because I found myself staring at the insides of a toilet bowl, and dry heaving, even though I haven’t eaten anything in over 12 hours and I certainly don’t have any kind of food poisoning.

I’m sitting here and questioning myself, my identity, my emotions, and my future. I just lost the love of my life, and my brain and heart are conflicted.

On one hand, I feel like I’ve been manipulated this entire time. He didn’t treat me well, I felt taken for granted, I felt like I was used and often hurt. We fought all the time. It was unhealthy. We’d go through cycles of hurt, then tension, then honeymooners’ happiness.

On the other hand, he was the light of my life. I sit in this dark hole surrounded by nothing but an abyss, and he was my shining light, my saving grace. He was the only light at the end of the tunnel. The one thing that kept me from going under. And now he’s gone. I’m alone. I have no one to lean on, to turn to, to give my love and effort to.

There’s hope, he says. That if I change, fix my problems, don’t burden him with them anymore, he’ll eventually want this back. I need to go get help because I have problems that I’ve ignored, and they were affecting our relationship. “It’s not me, it’s you.” But they always say that there’s hope. He always has to lead me on. Tells me he still loves me, that he’s here for me, that he cares about me. But how is that fair? How is it his place anymore to tell me he worries about me when he’s the one who left? I’m not his to worry about anymore. He shouldn’t.

We joked about it being our last shower together, him waiting to break up with me until graduation, him breaking up with me for summer. But now it’s real. I keep wishing he’d come over or call me and tell me this is all a joke and he isn’t serious. Happy late April Fool’s!

I didn’t imagine I would spend the last week of my relationship taking care of him after minor oral surgery and then without him, him being on vacation. It’s almost like I didn’t get a last chance. Things are always so strained when we’re apart, but this time we didn’t have a chance to make it better when we were together.

He left that morning for work and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I didn’t think that would be the last night I’d ever sleep next to him, ever feel him grab me in his sleep, ever feel him pull me closer and kiss my hand when I tried to hold him. I didn’t think that was the last time I would be able to feel his touch and be close to his and just have peace of mind that he was mine. I got a text that morning, “Hi babe! I hope you have a great day when you wake up, and I love you!”

But then we fought. And he doesn’t love me like he used to, he said. He said it was too negative and it formed an association in his brain. Psychological logic applies here, but for some reason I still can’t make sense of it.

What did he do this for? He was supposed to be my best friend and he left me alone and abandoned to die by myself. That’s dramatic, but in reality, I have nothing. I have nobody. I moved states for him. I am so far from home. And I’m so far from myself. I used to paint, draw, be active. I used to be happy and love doing things. But something switched and somewhere down the line, the only thing that made me happy was him. I lost everything else. I lost that spark in myself. I’ve even experienced broken relationships and friendships because of his suffocating presence in my life. I made a commitment to be here this summer and see things out because I had faith in our relationship and in him. I saw this being a lasting thing. Something long-term. But he said to me, “What did you expect, this to last forever?”

How do you remain in a relationship with someone if you don’t consider a future with them? I might not be looking for a ring, and I’m only 20, but he’s 25. And I love him. If in the moment, someone forced us to be married, I wouldn’t be so angry. I was looking forward to Christmases, anniversaries, Thanksgivings and birthdays all spent together. But now I don’t get that anymore.

When someone loves you, how can your problems become such a burden to them that they end it with you for their own mental health? I sit here wondering if I really am such a monster. I know I have some problems, but I can’t imagine.

I loved him so selflessly that I don’t know how to get over this. I’m terrified I’ll never move on and scared I’ll be heartbroken forever. What if I never find someone like him again? What if I compare every other man to him? What if I can’t let him go? What if I never build that connection again? It sounds stupid, but it was so special. He was the first and only best friend I’ve ever truly had at that level of trust, vulnerability, and comfort. I can’t imagine someone knocking down those walls all over again. I don’t want to build something new. I want to rebuild.

Thinking about someone else in his arms, someone else being his baby, someone else being the mother of his children, being a part of his family and his everyday life is breaking my heart and I don’t know how to get through this.

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