Resetting the Ticking Clock of Recovery

Brandi Gollihar
Aug 22, 2017 · 4 min read

Today was a crucial day in my recovery process. Long story short, my insurance company was determining the length of my leave based on the analysis of a total stranger, someone I’ve never met before in my entire life.

I had an appointment with a counselor this morning. As I had discussed before, I took my time and selected someone who I felt fit me best. Of course I did this based off of her website, but it had to be a better selection than letting my insurance pick, like I did last time.

We’re seeing a theme here with poor insurance company decisions. This doesn’t even take into account the fact that I’ve been told a check had been sent to me the last two Fridays, but just today the claim shows “approved” and a check AUTHORIZATION was created online. I think it’s possible that my case manager thinks he’s dealing with an idiot, but after reading reviews online I know they’re just shady as f%#*.

Sorry about that rant, but anyway… The insurance company had me scheduled to return to work tomorrow. Even though my primary care physician had requested a six week leave. They said that they’ll only approve a leave from appointment to appointment. Since I had an appointment today (with someone I’ve never met) they’d only extend it to this date. So as you can imagine, I’m a nervous wreck. Not only do I have to rehash my entire history to this stranger, but I have to ask her to help extend my leave even though she doesn’t know me from Adam (or Eve to be fair). I felt this was embarrassing and unethical.

To my great relief, this woman was amazing. I probably opened up to her more in this one session than I did in my entire six months with the former “therapist.” She was so genuine. She asked all the right questions. She allowed me to speak and listened with genuine interest.

As it turns out, she works with a nurse practitioner who specializes in psychiatric illnesses and also believes in a holistic approach. I seriously teared up at this point. Not only did I find this angel of a therapist, but I can break away from my family care doctor who is… eh… adequate?

The counselor was thrilled with the work I’ve been doing on myself. The reading, yoga, and meditation were all things that she endorsed. She said to continue these and spend as much time as possible meditating and practicing mindfulness.

One very interesting part of our conversation came when she asked where I worked. Immediately her face dropped and she said “I’m sorry. I have their employees lining up at my door.” Now keep in mind, this isn’t the company for which I work directly. They have been exceptional. It’s the company for which I provide consulting services that is the issue. After going through a merger, it has completely turned the office into an unpleasant experience to say the least.

While I was initially glad to hear that I wasn’t the only person struggling with the work environment, it quickly turned to grief and sadness. How horrible is it that one company, one building, produces such a negative impact on the community? If this one therapist who works out of a cottage in her back yard has multiple patients from there. Imagine the number who are seeking help elsewhere! It’s proof that the corporate structure and current business culture is not fit for the average employee. Maybe if you’re a sadistic asshole you can survive and thrive in that environment, but gentler souls will eventually crumble.

Needless to say, I’m not in any way prepared to return to that building. Thankfully I didn’t even have to ask the therapist to extend my leave. She flat out stated that I WAS NOT going to return tomorrow. I won’t even be returning on my previously scheduled date. She wants to work with me, get some genetic testing done, tweak my meds, and make me a whole, functioning human. She’s requesting a full 12 weeks of leave and I feel she will get feisty if it isn’t approved by the insurance company.

I had previously written about having to be your own advocate, that no one will look out for you except you. I was mistaken. There are people in the world who take your care seriously. After one meeting with this woman (and the fact she replied to a follow up question I sent via email in less than 20 minutes), I now believe that there are still good people working in the medical profession.

After making it through that ordeal with only 90% of my nervous system fried, I rounded out my evening by enjoying a wonderful session of Kripalu Yoga with a friend. This time I got more out of the class. I think it’s starting to make more sense to me now after my friend explained the guru’s ramblings to me. The positions aren’t intense, but we hold them a long time. The philosophical lessons he poses to us are to keep our minds away from the length of time we’re contorted. Lord only knows where the asshole inside my head would take me if I was left in silence for several minutes while twisted into a pose!

My goal for this week is to watch my internal talk. I’m now treating the “asshole” as a roommate. He may be a really bad roommate, but I’m going to listen and acknowledge what he has to say. I may even take notes every time I notice his incessant babbling in my head. I have to get this guy under wraps before he causes any more harm.

Once again, all of my worrying was for nothing. I know I said I was just going to let today be today, but I was a complete wreck this morning in anticipation of the unknown. I know I can get to a good place in time. I just need to do the work and depend on those who care for me and have my best interest at heart. There has to be happiness and a life free of anxiety. I will find it or die trying.

I send you all love and light.

Namaste

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