Well, today didn’t go as planned.

Brandi Gollihar
Aug 25, 2017 · 3 min read

How many times in our lives have we said that? I guess it goes back to having expectations and that asshole, sorry “roommate,” in our head telling us things which may or may not be accurate.

Last night I had expected to have to have an adult conversation with someone and it just didn’t happen. At the ripe old age of 38 I still have problems discussing difficult topics with others. I have such a fear of upsetting anyone, making them angry, or putting myself on one side versus another. I did make another plan of attack and I’ll attempt again this weekend. Maybe I’ll tranquilize myself first (only joking, okay maybe partly.)

Needless to say, I decided the best thing to do was to “sleep on it.” That was a stupid decision, because I didn’t sleep. When I did sleep I had nightmares. Insert a bad 5am Klonopin decision and I woke up promptly at 1pm this afternoon.

That’s kinda where the “this day didn’t go as planned” came into play. It’s really okay, and I forgive myself. My “roommate” may be disappointed that there needs to be more things accomplished tomorrow, but screw that guy. It’ll get done eventually, even if I have to go for the dreaded yearly exam with hairy legs. That would never happen, but I could think of worse disasters in life.

Tonight my friend and I dragged ourselves to yoga. I was still in super anxiety mode, so we specifically selected a class that spoke in language such as “gentle” and “beginners” for a reason. My friend has a recently sprained ankle and I’m… well I’m me. I won’t trash talk myself because I’m putting those days behind me, but keeping it realistic, I’m still classified as “obese” and have the flexibility of a steel rod.

Upon arriving, I noticed that the instructor had been changed from “Brenda” to “David.” Rut Roh. Sitting in the floor, lotus style of course, was a man who looked like he could bench press both of us. He had muscles where I didn’t know there could be muscles. I also don’t know if “gentle” is in his vocabulary, but I suppose he tried. He did play a mean singing bowl at the end, which I appreciated!

This is where the good part of “this day didn’t go as planned” comes into play. We did that shit! I’m so proud of us for a couple reasons: Firstly, we didn’t flee the scene when we noticed Thor was leading the class, and secondly, we actually did 99% of the poses! There was one pose where we both knew it wasn’t happening and kinda giggled our way out of it, but we knew our bodies just won’t bend that way.

This challenge completely changed my day, my state of mind, and the saturation level of my clothing. I’m sure tomorrow I’ll feel the changes in my body as well. I’m dreading tomorrow because, as I mentioned before, I have THE doctor appointment. We have a lot to discuss and I get to expose my hoo-hoo. Yay.

I will get through it. I have to get through it. Afterwards I’ll be rewarded with beautiful weather for the weekend. I’d love to do a hike if anyone wants to tag along, or drag me along depending on the terrain.

I feel as if I’m having more good moments lately than bad moments. More days where I love myself as opposed to hating myself. I know I’m doing the right thing by slowing down and retraining my brain. “I’m here for a reason” is going to be a mantra of mine. I just have to keep taking it a moment at a time and finding ways to pull myself up when I’m down low.

May love and light be with you all.

Namaste

)
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade