I Have No Hope To Live

Remember back in the beginning where I wanted to write to figure out myself and all that shit? When I was writing so I could see why I’m feeling a certain way and just look at how I view shit, well, I think it worked. I see that I’m too weak for life and if something is out of my jumping reach I give up and call it quits. I don’t have the need to strive for it and acomplish it. I don’t have the want to live on any longer man. I’m done repeating the same stuff over again. I see myself dying soon. I see something bad happening and I can only see it cause it’s getting closer to my birthday. I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. I don’t want to live this life anymore. I am tired of being like this and “it’s the most selfish thing you can do” is right he said. I’m just not cut out for this kind of shit. It’s like this is a movie and the people watching and controlling are doing this to drive me to insanity; to the point where I take my life and they win. Like I’m sitting on a betting table and whoever see’s me live longer wins and whoever voted that I’d kill myself again would loose all the money. I feel like I’m just a pussy. I talk so much shit. About wanting to make music and live somewhere else besiedes Fort Wayne. Wanting so many things and not going for any of it. I keep circling back to the same point and I’m not going to live my life this way I need to call it quits. Seriously how many times and I going to have these thoughts. How long will I look at the world this way. How long will I blame myslef for all of the things I’ve done. How long will I not appreciate life and just live with whats given to me and be spoiled. How long will I keep taking advantage of peoples’ kindness. I am done. It’s been decided. Fate has decided that I can’t do this anymore and I 100% agree. I can not do this. I can not live. I can not love. I can not make music. I will never be able to speak Japanese. I will never be able toget married. I’ll never make my mom fully happy and I’ll never fully be accepted by my dad. I will never show my friends the respect they deserve I will never stop feeling like I need to be killed, murdered, assassinated. Anything to do to get out of this life. I haven’t relized anything. All I want to do is die. I don’t want to move on to the next grade in college. I don’t want to graduate. I don’t want to see tomorrow. I don’t want to go to Japan. I don’t want to live on to see anything, meet anyone else. I don’t want to see anything. I don’t want to hear anything. I don’t want to feel anything. I don’t want to be anything. I Just Want To Die. I want to be done. There is nothing more I can say but that. “My entire life is a lie.” Go for it. Think about it. I messed it all up. I shouldn’t have started cutting now I’m just going to be stuck in a time loop for the rest of my life. I’m not getting any older and I don’t want to. I am stuck in a fantasy world and I don’t want to go anywhere else but away from this world. Nothing would make it better . I want the music to take me away. I don’t want to wake up. Just listen to the music that I can’t make, that everyone else has made and let it just take me away. I don’t want to hear anything else. I don’t want to think about anything else than music. I just want the music to take me away. Why won’t it take me away. Why do I have to stay here? Why is a single life supposed to be worth something? Nothing but a piece of shit wasting time in this world. Another waste of time. I shouldn’t have started school again. I shouldn’t have even tried. I can’t do anything mores.

I wish I knew how to write a suicide note. There are too many people I know it’d be a novle. Ha, Taylor’s Suicide. An entire book I’d be rich. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Die.

I won’t make it to 20.