*The Sibyl*

*Part 1*

I can’t remember the last time I saw him. It had been a period over a few days that our breaking up occurred. I think I dismissed the memory because it was simply too painful. I remember the last time that I spoke to him. He called me at work. I had an office job at the time and a private cubicle, so I could talk privately. I asked him, “please Ray, don’t call me again. It’s too painful and your voice and everything you say is making me physically sick. My heart hurts physically”

I was nauseous whenever I spoke to him, because I really didn’t want him to leave me, because I loved him so much. Even though I loved him, I knew we could not go on. Our coupling was too polar opposite. We loved each other deeply but living together wasn’t natural or easy anymore. Opposites attract and then often repel too. It was over. The sadness felt so unbearable, my heart physically breaking. It’s tearing slow and excruciatingly painful that I wished for death so the pain would end.

I remember one of our last arguments, right before the end, when I was sure that it was the last time I would see him again. We argued on the sidewalk of Avenue A and Fifth Street. I was so frustrated with him. His constant back and forth of intense loving and then distancing me. It had been 5 years and I was exhausted. The roller coaster ride of Ray was so exhausting.

He said “okay, Darcy, have it your way then. Take me as I am or leave me. It’s your choice now. I’ve told you how much I love you. In so many ways I’ve loved you but it’s never enough. Your view of what love should be, your ideal love is too intense. I can’t bear your emotions anymore.” He was finished, he turned and walked away.

I watched him walk into the darkness of the night. Watched as neon lights and storefronts beamed sick technology into space. Nauseous beige streaked in obnoxious green and red, unforgiving light in its power to overwhelm the darkness. Cold lights that make sick yellow slide down your insides.

I felt sick watching him. That body that I had loved and knew so well, that gait so familiar now seemed like it was taunting me. Take your last look at this man, this person who loved every inch of you. He takes all that love away and some skin with him too. My flesh was attached to that figure walking away. Leaving me bony and white. Big eyes and teeth chattering from cold. Destitute, flung into the night by a heartless hand, torn from loves embrace. Just another victim of circumstance. Another haunted soul trampled by loss.

I had explained my feelings too many times. He lacked the constant that I desired and was unwilling to give me anymore. I see now that he didn’t have the capacity for intimacy the way that I did. He needed to run away after he showed me his feelings. There was something inside him that was too wounded and afraid and a stubbornness held together his proud ego.

I was the Sibyl draped in gold. My garment spilling silk onto Avenue A. A Prophetess who could see the future of all souls, the oracle who could see every other person’s abilities and powers but my own. I was masked from my own strength. Unable to read myself or see the musculature of my own soul. I was destined to learn through sorrow. My whole statue, my structure balanced on one toe. Surely, I would fall and shatter.

In that moment, I. regretted ever meeting him. Regretted giving him all my love. I had no love left for myself in that moment. I know now that you shouldn’t regret people. Never regret that you entered into a relationship with anyone. I’ve. realized that the good people teach you how to love more deeply and the bad ones, well, they teach you how to love yourself.

~To Be Continued~