Why Do Men Put So Little Effort Into Serious Dating?
Emma Lindsay

On Dating Nihilism and Being Alone

How to get what you want in a relationship without using others


Wow, isn’t the world a stupid place. Just fascinatingly stupid. It’s always interesting to read very different perspectives on the experience of dating. As someone who has served as a bit of an impromptu therapist for many people around me throughout the course of my life, it’s especially interesting to me how different those experiences can be. People might as well be living in different worlds. Well, I don’t have anything to lose, so here’s my world.

From my experience of a guy who’s trying quite hard to improve the lives of everyone he meets, especially in romantic relationships, I can assure you that being a guy trying to do that isn’t even in a tangential relationship to being attractive. Other than it being a major obstacle. The really funny thing is, to put it in the language of the “black pill” article, that in terms of genetics, I’m not a beta. I don’t need to do this stuff, in fact I probably shouldn’t.

I understand this may sound narcissistic or egotistical, but I only say it as a pertinent objective fact that I personally don’t value. For whatever reason that’s certainly no accomplishment of mine, I seem to have great genetics, as everyone from my dentist and other doctors, through my hairdresser, to my co-actors keeps telling me. I’ve always been mainly an intellectual, but I have played soccer for about nine years and did a bit of bodybuilding. I’m also tall.

Then there’s all the artistic things that I can do, like poetry, music, acting… Allegedly, I have a charming voice and am a good listener, and apparently, I can amuse people with a smart conversation for hours, sometimes for as much as nine consecutive hours. And I can help people learn things for school or help them write papers, and I can read tarot and write horoscopes, which most people find to be a cool party trick and others take very seriously indeed.

Also, girls by and large don’t find me attractive, they never have. At all.

Great genetics and being “high-value” (which I now have even in financial terms; well, for Czech Republic anyway) don’t matter. Oh they do matter while the relationship is happening, but they have nothing to do with how a relationship gets initiated. I can assure you one cannot reduce the whole gender into a single stereotype, there always are all types of people, but what tends to be limited for each individual is their pattern of how they get into a relationship of a certain kind with a certain kind of person, with a real difficulty to even register substantially different kinds of people as existing.

I haven’t entirely decided why that is, if it’s supposed to be karma, some kind of test, a learning experience, a cruel joke, etc., but I have seen it play out for a rather large number of very different people of both genders (as their de facto therapist). For example, in the case of people who try to help others, they’re much more likely to attract (or be attracted by) people in need of help, rather than people equally capable of being helpful, or selfish people who only take and to whom it doesn’t even occur to give back. It sucks, but it makes sense.

To be clear, I have seen people get into quite healthy, balanced, fulfilling relationships that are just great, but it’s really an exception, not the rule. In most cases, it’s like physics — representing a particular kind of romantic object sets natural forces into motion that appear to be a conspiracy of circumstance until their hidden logic is revealed. Simply being a person who objectively is helpful activates attention of the kind of people who could use such person, while the things people say or believe about that are mostly irrelevant.

The reason I know it works is that it can be put to a test. Just try stopping being that kind of person and you’ll see the change in the type of people that you’ll start forming relationships with. Pretense is not enough, it needs to be a legitimate decision that you will no longer take it upon yourself to sustain relationships that only work as long as you are the one who’s making them work. Decide that unless the other person shows some effort first, you will not be in a relationship like that. It’s quite possible that most of your current relationships will just stop, but then different people start noticing you.

And you will start noticing them, it swings both ways. If you want to find a guy that tries, you need to make room to see someone like that by cutting down the forest of guys who are not that. Every time I enter a nihilistic phase and decide that I’m done with girls because they only use me and never really care or reciprocate, immediately a girl appears out of nowhere that is obsessed with me, though usually in a different unhealthy way — as a hard-to-get trophy, a challenge, responding to my new state of not being interested.

Once it even was a girl that had previously rejected me years ago while I was the exact same guy in all other respects than current mentality. She even forgot that she had rejected me before, and legitimately wasn’t able to understand the lack of interest of girls in me, given all my objective qualities. But that’s precisely the point — those objective qualities that anyone can theoretically decide they “want” always were irrelevant. If they weren’t, then how come even abusive ugly assholes that are broke have relationships?

Who knows, maybe being single is the answer, though probably the most important part of the answer is simply getting to the mental state of legitimately not needing to have a romantic relationship, which should hopefully shift one’s attention to other people who don’t enter relationships only to get something from the other person. What I therefore find especially ill-advised is to look for a partner primarily as a means-to-an-end, like someone to have sex or start a family with, because then the dysfunctionality is virtually guaranteed — you literally don’t care about them in such cases.

It’s of course always possible that people really only are interested in any given person’s usefulness and nothing else about them, which means that being alone is their burden to bear if they choose to not be used anymore. This world doesn’t seem to be under any obligation not to be needlessly cruel every once in a while. But while that is admittedly a nihilistic outlook, nihilism as a philosophy doesn’t prevent anyone from trying to do something meaningful, unlike what the “black pill” people believe. Nihilism simply means that the meaning of our lives is created by us, so let’s create something not stupid.

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