Letter of Break-Up

Comedic Piece Satirizing The End Of A Romantic Relationship.

The following break-up letter was conceived and written from a man’s perspective. Ladies, don’t get upset. It’s just for comedy and laughs. I’ll be writing one from a woman’s perspective soon. Here’s the piece below:

Dear Woman,

It is with heartfelt sadness that I hereby tender my permanent exit from this loveless, boring, unsatisfying and dull relationship. After a careful diagnosis of our romantic arrangement, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are suffering from various mental disorders and I cannot continue to live this way.

Firstly, your schizophrenia scares me. I’ve noticed two distinct personalities. One day you’re a gentle bird, then suddenly you’ll snap into a fire breathing dragon. You will argue with me for no reason at all. During that time, you seem to have no recollection of anything prior to our argument.

Then, you would distance yourself from me for a prolonged period of time. You won’t answer my calls or respond to my texts. I really want to socialize with you but your anti-social behavior prevents me from doing so. Please tell me what I did wrong.

Next, your OCD really creeps me out sometimes. You do not need blue hair and blue lipstick to match your blue handbag, blue dress and blue shoes. Also, you don’t need to get so compulsive about the toilet seat every time.

Also, your narcissism is quite annoying. I know you’re gorgeous but the selfies need to stop. Have you ever thought that I may need to use the mirror? Do you need to be in front of it for 2 hours? But what is even more strange and borderline confusing, is the delusional tendencies that follow the next day. You claim to be fat and ugly, however, I only see an attractive woman. Where did the narcissism go? I kind of miss it.

Your anorexia nervosa needs attention too. I want to feed you everything but you insist on eating small portions. I am willing to pay for anything but you say you’re not hungry. I’m beginning to think that you’re deliberately starving yourself.

Also, your paranoia isn’t good either. Believe me when I say that I’m not cheating on you. You’ve seen my phone, you’ve set your girlfriends up to seduce me but I resisted and rejected all of them. What else do you need?

You should also check with your doctor about your depression. I only say that because you’ve mentioned “I’m not in the mood” 78 times within the last week. Just an observation.

Angie, you’re a great person. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m telling you the truth. You don’t really suck (literally and figuratively) but you deserve someone crazier than me. So I believe it would be in our best interests that we see other people. And I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Your ex-boyfriend Man.

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