Want to grow? Start doing hard things now

Photo by Angelo Pantazis on Unsplash

We’ve all been there.

For example, we know there’s an important conversation we should be having with our partner - about money, sex, the relationship, you name it. We know this conversation could make things better.

But it’s hard. So we don’t do it.

Most of us delay doing hard things like going to therapy or having a tough conversation (with a partner, friend, family member or colleague) even though they’re practically guaranteed to make us happier in the long run.

We avoid doing these things because they’re hard and uncomfortable — they involve money, time and emotional investments.

The problem is that we become so focused on the cost of doing something that we completely ignore the fact that there’s also a cost to doing nothing.

We also ignore one of the most critical variables in any cost equation: time.

So in the spirit of doing hard things, here’s a way of thinking that has helped me, well, do hard things that have improved my life in so many ways.

Enjoy!

The cost of doing nothing — 3 beliefs that are holding you back

Belief #1: Doing nothing has no cost

When faced with a decision of whether or not to do a ‘hard’ thing, most of us perform a cost analysis.

We ask ourselves how much money/time/emotional discomfort will this thing cost me?

Take therapy for example:

Cost of going to therapy

• 10 sessions X cost per session
• Time away from work
• Emotional discomfort, tension, etc.

= Cost of going to therapy

Many times, we treat the decision to DO something as the only decision that needs to be made.

But there are always two decisions at play:

• Decision 1: Do X
• Decision 2: Don’t do X

And they each have a cost. Yet, we often only focus on the cost of doing something and ignore the (sometimes) higher cost of doing NOTHING.

Take therapy, for example:

That’s not all.

The interesting thing is how these costs change over time. For this, we need to examine our thoughts/beliefs about the status quo, about doing nothing.

Belief #2: Things will just stay the same over time

Most of us assume that not only does doing nothing have no cost, but that if we do nothing, everything will stay the same over time. Or better yet, that things will magically work themselves out and improve on their own.

If we don’t have that tough conversation or go to therapy or take a career advancement course, then our relationship and our career will stay exactly the same or might even get better on their own. This rarely happens.

Belief: Things only change when we make decisions to change them. Things don’t change when we do nothing.

I’ve found this to be false.

The truth is that doing nothing can have a negative impact on your relationships, personal development, etc.

In short, doing nothing doesn’t mean things stay the same. Doing nothing can make things worse. Therefore the ‘real status quo’ looks more like the red line below.

For example, not having a tough conversation with your partner:

• Builds up resentment
• Creates distance
• Causes a communication breakdown
• Manifests in passive-aggressive behavior, which creates more distance, and so on

As a result of doing nothing, your trajectory (health of your relationship, career confidence, etc.) can actually slope downwards.

Now multiply this by all the times you avoided having a tough conversation and the result is a relationship that is probably DETERIORATING over time.

Belief #3: The costs of doing or not doing something are fixed

As a result of the following beliefs:

1. Doing nothing has no cost
2. Things stay the same when you do nothing

We tend to believe that the COSTS of doing/not doing something stay the same over time.

This, again, I’ve found to be false.

The longer you do nothing, the more expensive any decision becomes (e.g. going or not going to therapy).

I see this in relationships all the time. The ‘cost’ of having that serious talk is discomfort, anger, frustration, intensity, etc. It will make things awkward. It will make things tense and bring up a lot of things from the past, you get the point.

But what’s the cost of not having that talk? What’s the cost of keeping things inside for another day, another week, another month? The cost of letting something simmer and predictably snowball into something harder and more complicated. What about that cost?

As your relationship worsens, as communication breaks down, as you start to harbor resentment and contempt, then the cost of unraveling these things increases.

Therefore, for many hard decisions, the longer you wait the worse of your reality can become, and the higher the cost of making moves in the future.

I recently used this framework to do a hard thing. I had a “falling out” with a former client and was wondering whether or not to meet with them to discuss what happened (or rather, what went wrong). Needless to say, this was the last thing I wanted to do. I knew it would be a hard conversation — it would force me to face some things that would make me uncomfortable and probably bruise my ego.

On the other hand, the cost of not going was that I would continue making the same mistakes in my career and work relationships. Moreover, by not meeting with this person and clearing the air, I would be giving up on a potentially valuable relationship in the future. Finally, the longer I delayed having this conversation the harder it would be to have it down the line (because of timing, momentum, etc.).

So, I decided to do the hard thing now: To reach out and schedule this meeting. And yes, of course, it was worth it.

Main takeaways

• There is a cost to everything we do and don’t do.
• Things (issues in a relationship, trauma, insecurities, etc.) do not fix themselves on their own. Nor do they stay the same. More often than not, if they’re not dealt with, they cause a slow and steady deterioration. Whether you’re aware of it or not.
• As a result, the longer you do nothing, the higher the cost of making moves in the future.

Bottom Line: When making a decision, consider ALL the costs. And don’t wait, do the hard thing now.

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