#97 — Dead or Alive
Hell’s Kitchen
When you have odd friends in hot places
It’s 7pm and dinner is being prepared at Natasha Smarty-Bottom’s kitchen for her six special guests. One by one they arrive, each a headache and a bastard after the other. It’s going to be a long night.
Natasha: Oh look, Xi has arrived.
Xi: I brought you a gift.
Natasha: Thank you. Oh, it’s a box containing … live frogs. Is it after the famous frog currently big and all over China, you know the one after Pepe the sad meme frog, Xi?
Xi: It’s for eating. You can fry them in soya sauce, ginger and garlic.
Natasha: Seriously Xi, how many times have I told you not to bring any more live animals for consumption? Last time you came you brought half a dozen dogs from the Yulin dog-eating festival. You’re not good at listening, are you? Where’s your twin, Putin?
Xi: He is on the way. He needs to make a stop to pick up a few bottles of vodka.
Enter Putin.
Natasha: Vladimir, wipe your shoes properly, and this time can you ask your bodyguards not to piss on my flowerbed? Why must you always travel with thirty of them? Three guards aren’t enough?
Putin: I brought with me two dozen luxury vodka for your husband.
Natasha: Vodka just for my husband? I’m the one cooking dinner for you. Your chauvinism is remarkable.
Putin: I’m scared of your husband. He is a bigger mafia than me.
Xi: Me too.
Enter Kim Jong Un.
Natasha: Kim, no bragging about nuclear missiles tonight.
Kim: But I’ve new videos of my recent launches.
Natasha: No.
Kim: Not even one?
Natasha: Kim Johnny Walker Un Jong, one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Are you fully aware of how far your ballistic missiles can travel?
Kim: A few thousand kilometers.
Natasha: A few? You don’t exactly know, do you? That’s the problem. Your toys once traveled 4,500km (2,800 miles) before falling into the Pacific Ocean from Japan, terrifying your neighbors. Japan has among the oldest citizens in the world living on a unique diet and lifestyle. There are old folks there in record-breaking age living well above 100 the World Health Organization is monitoring, and they’ll die of a heart attack cos of your missiles before we could achieve any conclusive findings on their secrets. We’re compiling it for
so she can live for another century.Kim: My scientists didn’t tell me the missiles could travel that far.
Natasha: Don’t blame other people Kimmy. You’re better than that. Try to be more like Vladimir and find discreet hobbies.
Putin: What? What have you found out about my hobbies?
Natasha: Your naked horse-riding? Are you aware that there are photos of you riding horses topless? Thanks to Xi, he got his experts to infiltrate the system and photoshop pants on. You’re the leader of a huge nation for God’s sake.
Xi: That’s why China’s technology is better than South Korea. I hate Samsung.
Natasha: No hate talk in my kitchen Xi, or no dinner. You can eat your frogs.
Xi: Who else is coming for dinner?
Natasha: I’ve three friends coming from this writing platform called M.e.d.i.u.m. I told you about.
, and .Kim: The platform with many angry people?
Natasha: Yes, that one. Now be nice and try to act normal.
Putin: What do you mean by normal?
Natasha: What’s the number one rule in my kitchen?
Xi, Putin and Kim in unison: No talking about North America.
Natasha: That’s one. No talking about World War III, no nuclear talk, and no making fun of Zelensky.
Putin: But he is funny.
Natasha: All you lot are clowns, leaders of great nations, my ass. Tonight we’re having Indian curry so good luck with that one. If you need to use my toilet, use the one outside my house near the garden shed. Last time one of you desecrated my interior, cleaners had to wear a hazmat suit.
Putin: It was Kimmy.
Kim: It was Xi.
Xi: It was Vlad.
Kitchen door opens. Xi, Putin and Kim look nervous.
Putin: Is that your husband? How do I look? Do I look presentable? Do you think he would like the vodka I brought?
Natasha: No, that’s Lucifer. He called earlier. Said he needs to get some salt. He got some ritual shit going on tonight with his group members and ran out of sodium for his floor art. You know, for those pentagrams.
Xi, Putin, Kim: Phew, we thought it was your husband. Fucking terrified of him.
Kim: Thinking of it I feel like shitting bricks right now.
Natasha, Putin and Xi: OUTSIDE TOILET!!!!!
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