Today I’m Just Going To Write

I felt like writing today. I don’t know if or when I’ll hit publish, but I needed to type these letters on the screen. I want to show all of my friends my past, every last detail of what has made me who I am today. I can’t do that. I can’t send a message to that person who’s been an absolute gem to me and word vomit my life at them. I can’t send a message to an old flame telling them how talking to them makes my heart flutter, and how I’m still kicking myself for fucking up so badly. I think about the people I haven’t met who will become some of my closest friends, and how they’ll tell me about all the bad stuff that’s happened to them around the time I was writing this. The stuff they’re going through right now. I think about the friends I’ll never get to meet because someone decided they didn’t deserve to live. My mind is a battlefield of emotions. It’s not depression, it’s like a dim star which gets brighter the closer I get, but I spend my life trying to reach it. I want to tell everybody I meet that everything’s going to be okay, and I truly care about them. This isn’t something I can do. It’s not socially acceptable. But I want to. It’s overwhelming to not have a voice. It’s overwhelming to feel alone. There’s so much on my mind. I wish it didn’t take me 10 minutes to write a reply to a friend. I wish I could talk to them for hours about anything and everything and not feel like I’m being too much. I’m not looking for solutions. This is life. But writing this down, even if I never hit publish, even if nobody ever reads this, it feels good to see my thoughts in words.