A Starting Point — Show up as you are

I’m starting this project with the intention of getting to know myself better, to find the continued courage to listen to my heart, and to walk through this life as I am. Through publishing my observations and reflections I am hoping to take the next step in my continued inner work that is essential to my growth. I work hard to be open, be vulnerable, and match my inside feelings to my outside actions. It’s a curious process to observe myself walking through life not being authentic, letting my actions and emotions be pulled and pushed by others’ energy and motivations.

I struggle through discomfort, often times seeking it out, and embrace the growth on the opposite side. All of that brings me right here right now. Public writing makes me uncomfortable to the point of inaction, it has for a long time. I’m bad at it. My head moves too fast for my limited typing abilities, I often avoid the work of getting my thoughts out of my head and into understandable language, and my grammar is terrible. However, if I am to grow I have to be able to push through these fears, practice, struggle with the discomfort, and detach from the outcome because there is something larger that is calling me to do this work

Hopefully by being vulnerable I can offer inspiration to anyone traveling their own path to discover authenticity, show up and to love the person you are in this moment.

This project is also meant as a gift to my daughters. When they awaken and begin asking the really hard questions about themselves and how they fit into this world. I want them to know that they are not alone in their thoughts; that there is nothing wrong with the questions. I want them to know the answers will change over their lifetime and that’s ok, that’s growth. The questions, those are the important things to truly fall in love with. So to you my beautiful ladies, never stop asking the questions and be patient with the answers, when the answers do come make sure they match what’s inside.

I also want my daughters to see me struggle. I want them to know how much I have struggled with walking my path and following my heart. As parents, we don’t often admit to our children how much we actually struggle with life. When they look up at us it looks like we know what we’re doing, that we have stopped practicing and are experts at living our lives; like we’re professional life livers and we glide right on. I want my daughters to know what I look like when I am uncertain, when I am trying, when I am searching for direction, and when I am struggling. If I lack the grace to show them in the moment hopefully they will be able to read these words and see what life looks like when your living it. When it comes time for them to look ahead and follow their hearts they will know it gets messy, and beautiful, and confusing. Great things are disguised as failures so be patient with life, be patient with yourself, be patient with the ones you love, stay open and follow your heart.

I was searching for a way to end this first post. I kept asking the question and listening………Then just the other day I was given the answer. It came from my oldest daughter, she’s 11 and blessed with all the things that make “us” oldest children so lovable. I had given her a task of breaking down cardboard boxes for recycling. The cardboard was heavy and I purposely did not give her a knife. I wanted to see her struggle, I wanted to see what came out of it. I let her get angry, I let her huff and puff, and try to tear it apart. Then I stepped in and showed her how to take them apart with no force and 2 fingers. That enraged her and she was further angered because she couldn’t break them down with ease even after I showed her. I showed her again and she got it, but she was still angry. I was happy with myself. I set up this task for her, I had no expectation of her accomplishing it, I had nothing attached to the outcome except for her to learn. What did I miss? All I had done was create more frustration. When the boxes were all broken down she was still angry. We sat on the floor and I said, “thank you for doing that but i’m curious as to why you’re still angry?” She responded with a growl, one of her favorite ways to express frustration. I said, “ There will be no TV until you attempt to express your feelings to me and explain why you are holding on to this anger”. That was met with another growl. Then something new happened. She said, “ you made it look so easy”. There it is !!! I forgot, it looks different to them when they’re looking up at us.

I’m still learning. Even when I think I’m teaching I’m still learning. So today, I remind myself, do the hard work, ask the questions, and be patient with the answers…..

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