Strength In Our Weakness
A couple weeks back my wife and I went in for our first anatomy ultrasound to check in on how our baby was doing and to hopefully get a chance to find out the gender. That being said the last thing on our minds was the possibility that there may be complications with the pregnancy. Everything had been going according to plan up until this point and so we were anticipating an exciting evening spent with family, revealing the gender of our baby, and exploring names for the little guy or girl.
During the ultrasound it was a bit hard to see the baby but my wife and I, this being our first, didn’t think much of it. Although, after some time spent by the ultrasound technician measuring and labeling things on the screen, the radiologist came in and wanted to have a look himself. At the end of our appointment, we were informed that our baby had under developed kidneys which were not producing the urine needed to create the amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby. Without this fluid, we were told, the baby cannot practice swallowing while in the womb and so the lungs are expected to be under developed by our due date. In light of all of this, they told us that the pregnancy was not viable, that our baby will not survive, and suggested that we terminate the pregnancy.
In a moment like this, there really aren’t any words that can console. Even now, while writing about it, it just doesn’t fit into the confines of words, much less written words shared on a screen.
That evening and the following morning was filled with confusion and despair. “Where are we to go from here and what are we to do?”
Over the course of the next few days my wife and I decided to pray, read scripture, and press into the faith that we have in Christ, before speaking to any more doctors.
We are so grateful for doctors and the technology that allows us to monitor the life growing inside of Katherine although, more than that, we are so grateful for the God who entrusted us with this life. It is he who allowed this child to enter the world under our care and it is he whom we will allow to determine the number of their days. It is he who we put our trust in when things were good and it is he who we will continue to put our trust in during this time of difficulty.
The day after our doctors appointment Katherine began researching the complications faced by our child and in doing so found several stories of families who had experienced similar complications with their pregnancies. Some stories ended with the parents getting to spend only a few moments with their child, some a few hours, some a few months, and some stories ended with completely healthy babies void of any of the complications seen through the tests and ultrasounds performed during their pregnancy. While each story was different, every story was immensely encouraging to Katherine and I. These stories showed us that we were not alone in this and that others had walked through similar struggles as ours.
In light of this, Katherine decided to share the news we had received publicly to ask for prayer and to invite others into our story in the hopes that it may encourage others in a similar way.
The result of this was a flood of even more stories from family, friends, and complete strangers who had experienced similar, and even more complex, abnormalities with their pregnancies though their children were born completely healthy or with complications they were able to manage and work through. The mothers and fathers in these stories had placed their hope in God and were able to see him move in ways that completely baffled them and their doctors.
While we can’t force the hand of God and we do not know his will in all circumstances, we were, and still are, encouraged by these stories. Through them we were able to see that God is still at work in the world, that he hears us, and that he has walked with others through greater trials than ours.
A few days after our initial ultrasound, we had a follow-up with a specialist where we were once again encouraged to end the pregnancy. Something Katherine and I have been learning through this experience is how common it is in our culture to avoid pain and inconveniences at all costs. By one doctor we were told that the sooner we ended the pregnancy the easier it would be on Katherine as if this was merely an inconvenience that could be swept under the rug “by the end of next week.” But as Katherine said shortly after, “It’s not about me. It’s about the baby. And which would be harder on me; going full term and getting to say goodbye to my baby when its time comes or ending their life prematurely and having to spend the rest of mine wondering if they would have survived?”
This is going to be difficult on both of us, yes, but would we choose to shorten this time we have with our child in order to maintain a level of normalcy in our lives, no.
This has already been one of the most painful things we’ve gone through, the most painful as a couple, but already we have come to find ourselves growing through it in ways we could have never grown otherwise.
In the bible, our faith is often spoken of as gold being refined by fire. In our lives, trials are this fire putting our faith to the test. Katherine and I have already begun to experience how this trial has begun to refine our faith and strengthen our relationship with one another in that we look at the world a bit differently now. Things that I once found frustrating I now have a greater patience for. Good things in my life that I once chalked up to my own hard work, I now recognize as gifts given to me through the pure grace of God. I’m far from a full understanding of this truth but this quote from John Newton is much closer to it than I am:
“Whoever is truly humbled — will not be easily angry, nor harsh or critical of others. He will be compassionate and tender to the infirmities of his fellow-sinners, knowing that if there is a difference — it is grace alone which has made it! He knows that he has the seeds of every evil in his own heart. And under all trials and afflictions — he will look to the hand of the Lord, and lay his mouth in the dust, acknowledging that he suffers much less than his iniquities have deserved.” — John Newton
We could run from this trial, push the reset button, and try again at a healthy pregnancy that doesn’t pose the risk of further heartbreak down the road or a child with disabilities. Or we could live out the plan that God has for us, honor and fight for the life he has entrusted us with, and allow him to strengthen us and others through this painfully difficult season. Regardless of the outcome, Katherine and I will have a story that we can share. We will have experiences that we can pull from that will have equipped us with what we need to relate with and comfort others who will walk through similar trials. God has given us his word but he has also given us one another to “…encourage and build each other up.” (1 Thessalonians 5)
Weakness is not popular, especially in todays culture where pride and personal achievement are where we are encouraged to place our identities. Anything that hinders us from achieving glory in this life tends to be avoid at all costs. But this is where God claims his strength is to be made perfect — in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Katherine and I do not know how the story of our child is going to end on this earth — by our own power, we are helpless to determine the outcome. But this is the very reason we would like to begin sharing the story of our child now, in our time of weakness , so that, regardless of the outcome, God would be glorified and receive the credit for whatever healing may come to our baby or strength may be found in us through this hardship.
Katherine and I continue to pray for healing for our child, for strength in our faith, and that God would be glorified through this story. If you feel moved to do so, we would greatly appreciate your prayers!
To those of you who have already shared with us your stories, who are praying, and who have given of your time and resources to be a comfort to us in the past couple weeks, we can’t thank you enough!
“I consider that our present sufferings are not comparable to the glory that will be revealed in us.” — Romans 8:18
