Day 165 — Pace, I’m so sorry brother

Today I got some crushing news. All day on Thursday, I felt terrible. I didn’t want to work, I shouted at kids and it all seemed quite pointless to be honest. This was before I got the news. I put myself into a hole and went to bed real early. I was woken up by the thunder a few times and thought nothing of it.

The messages slowly trickled in throughout the morning. I didn’t know how to process it. I was managing until I asked what happened.

I burst into tears. I kept on saying to myself, “no no no no”. Not like this. I didn’t think 'why’. The thing that hurt me inside most was that I understand it. This writing project is to raise awareness and not only offer understanding of my mental health but to help people normalise mental health issues.

I don’t want things like this to happen or keep on happening. It shouldn’t happen, I can’t tell you how much I wish it didn’t happen. We are the same age. I see myself in you.

As a society, we need to do better. A smile doesn’t mean someone is all good. We need to talk more and be honest. We are not burdens on our friends and family, we are loved. Please remember that.

Pace, you affected so many with your energy and outlook on life. You are one of a kind and always remembered for your warmth and honesty towards people. You have only given us good memories.

I wish that the tears we shed in these moments can bring you back to us but I know that’s not reality but it’s nice to dream right now.

Pace, you are a king and I’m sorry that you felt this way and got to this point. You didn’t deserve that.

I love you and I’m so sorry brother. I’m sorry that this isn’t enough. Rest in Peace, King.

Pace Cold Fire forever.