Day 174 — Reality Check

Today I went back home. Back to grey old England. Back to reality.

After saying goodbye to my friends at the airport, I waited outside for my coach back to Stratford. Once it arrived, I stepped onto it and took my seat, annoyed to be there. It stank of crap until the driver cranked up the AC. I couldn’t believe that I had been in Marrakech a mere few hours before. The holiday blues are real.

There was traffic on the way back, then I jumped on a bus which took me around the world before finally arriving in Clapton to drop me off. There were kids crying on the bus constantly so I blasted Isaiah Rashad’s new album as loud as I could in my headphones to block out the noise that London holds.

This was the first time all week that I’ve been alone properly. Since Pace left us, I’ve avoided being alone. It’s where the emotions grow and tears flow. I’m not scared of it. This is the situation that I’m in. This is how I’m coping.

When I saw my room, my computer, my space. I cried. I thought about the week that I had, the things that had gone on, and how disconnected I was to one part of myself. Yes, I enjoyed myself while I was away, but I didn’t talk, I kept a lot in. Now that I was home, it crept up again, like my anxiety, and took me by surprise.

I’m sorry Pace.

There was a football tournament on today that I wanted to check out as it was put on by Pace’s friends to raise money for the funeral costs and more. I had to support but feared that I was too late. I went anyway. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

I walked up the pathway to the football pitches and could tell that the event had come to a close but a few people were still there. I noticed one of Pace’s friends hugging two women. When I got there, he let go and we began to chat. I apologised for not being to come earlier as I was on holiday. He reassured me that it was okay. He then told me about the funeral details and I left.

On my way out, there was a picture of Thomas which said “Thank you for coming today” or something along those lines. I wanted to take a picture but if I stayed to look at it longer, I would’ve just started crying, so I walked on and went home.

Being back home sure isn’t easy.

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