Why You’re Still Broke Even Though You’ve Read a Million Internet Articles Telling You to Buy Generic Brand Deodorant

Quit Wasting Your Money

You Still Pay For Sex

According to NSPP (National Society for Prostitution Prevention), the average prostitute these days charges $337 per night. This isn’t the 1970s where you could get a throw or two for an Andy Jackson. Whores these days rake in the dough at your expense. When you kick them out of your small apartment, they get into their BMWs and drive to their mansions. The really classy ones can charge upwards of $1000 for a handjob. If you aren’t careful, you could easily waste a few hundred thousand on hookers every year. Instead of buying sex, look for a freebie here and there. There are hundreds of people giving out free sex handouts to horny people in need. If you can’t find one that floats your boat, just masturbate!

You Still Pay For Porn

You’ve already ditched your cable TV in favor of free options like Hulu. So why are you still holding onto your 17 porn subscriptions? Get rid of them and start watching all that free porn by the Hulu and YouTube offshoots. Sure, you’ll have to stare at constant ads telling you how to make your tiny penis into a weapon that will kill anyone who gets near it, but at least you’ll get to watch your favorite amateurs fuck for free in “high definition.”

You Still Donate to Charity

It’s a well-known fact that 75% of all charitable contributions end up going towards something other than the charity. Between marketing, operating costs, and 7-figure salaries for the CEO’s secretary, a charitable organization has a lot of overhead. Instead of donating to cancer research, you can get more bang for your buck by doing the research yourself. Don’t donate $100 to some cancer organization that’s going to waste three-fourths of it. Just get a couple cancerous lab rats and perform $25-worth of your own research. That’s a $75 savings for you—without sacrificing any more people to cancer!

You Still Use $100 bills to Light Cuban Cigars

Yes, we all do it. No matter how many times we’re told to buy generic cigars or use those flimsy $1 bills, we still do it the old fashioned way. It just tastes better!

You Still Eat Money Sandwiches

That pound of one dollar bills on your sandwich could be turned into a few dozen pounds of turkey. And the turkey is a lot more filling. Ditch the money sandwiches and go for some lunchmeat instead. You can even save extra money by buying the really high sodium stuff.

You Still Dump Buckets of Money on Large Crowds

We all know you are a great philanthropist, but money showers aren’t the best way to use your money. Instead, start a blog or something. Everyone loves blogs, and the world needs more of them. Plus, you can sell ad space on your blog. Now you’re making money instead of wasting it.

You Still Drink Gasoline at the Pump

Everyone loves to fill up at the pump, but before you put that nozzle in your mouth to suck down a few delicious slurps of petrol, keep in mind that just a ten second pour is going to cost you a couple bucks. You could get a 473 ounce sugary drink for half the price. And it will have the same long-term health impact.

You Still Go to the Grocery Stores on a Day That Falls Between Monday and Sunday

No matter what day of the week you go to the grocery store, they are just trying to rip you off. From bait-and-switch sales to fluorescent lights that make rotten produce look delicious, the whole thing is a scam. Instead, get all of your food by hunting and gathering. On any given day, there are enough squirrels and birds in your backyard to feed you for a month.

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