My daughter is not exotic. Stop calling my daughter exotic.

Callie Hallson
Jul 24, 2017 · 3 min read

The picture above is a flower that is not native to where I live in Southeastern North Carolina. This flower is exotic. My daughter is not.

I was out and about with my daughter yesterday and she started having a tantrum. She’s 3, so tantrums are fairly common. I rarely get embarrassed. She has her moment, I continue on with my life, she overcomes her moment on her own, and we continue — in this case — shopping in the grocery store.

We were on the aisle with all the seasoning. It’s actually one of my favorite aisles, because I can dream of all the things I can cook with things like coriander.

My time is interrupted by another mom who says “My gosh. Look at her. Her skin tone, her hair color, her eyes. She’s just gorgeous.”

I’ll help you unpack this part:

My daughter is black like my husband and me.

She has lighter skin, green eyes, and light brown — almost blond hair.

My father-in-law is Haitian and (we believe) Dominican, and my mother-in-law is African-American. I am adopted, and I really do not know much about my birth parents. So essentially, I have no answers when I get questions and looks from strangers about my daughter’s appearance.

Now I know you may be reading the woman’s comments as pure compliment. So let’s unpack that, too:

Historically, currently, usually, mostly — people of color have been revered for beauty when said beauty closely resembles whiteness. The woman did not say “your daughter is gorgeous.” What she said is above and focuses solely on how her looks differ from what she sees in SE NC (Southeastern North Carolina) for most African-American children. In my description I note that my daughter looks nothing like me, which also means that if my daughter looked more like me, she would no longer be “gorgeous” to this woman. I already know what you’re thinking:

You’re overreacting a bit, Neech.

She probably didn’t mean anything by it.

Stop being so sensitive and take the compliment.

Is this more about you or your child?

Valid. So let’s keep going — because there is more.

We keep walking through the grocery store. I end that conversation with the woman with some joke about how my daughter is a handful.

She seeks me out to say this — and this is a legit direct quote that someone said to me:

“I don’t know what it is. I just love the exotic look. One of my twins, we already know this, is going to have mixed babies. She only likes little black boys at school, so we’ll definitely have mixed grandchildren. Hopefully not for another 45 years. *laughter* But I just hope they are little girls. Little mixed boys look awkward until they are teenagers. Anyway, have a blessed week!”

So at this point I’m frozen in time and I assume that someone will yell “CUT!” and the woman will actually go have a drink with me and talk about how clueless her character is about race and social etiquette. But no. This was my life.

I have no real resolution to this because my daughter was in the middle of tantrum 47 by this point and I knew I needed to turn my attention to her. And, quite honestly, I wasn’t sure what to say. I wanted to check her. It was a moment I wanted back. Beyond getting all the attitude I had stored up from the first comment she made, the woman actually needed to be educated.

And she ended it all with “Have a blessed week!”

You can unpack that on your own.

Here are some directives that will keep you from making the same mistakes as Woman in Grocery Store:

  1. Don’t call anyone exotic.
  2. Check your beauty standards.
  3. Be mindful when complimenting children.

As always, I’d love to know your thoughts. Feel free to follow, share, and discuss.