The Devil is Beating His Wife

Today was a crazy day. Due to inclement winter weather, 5 MLB games were postponed. In the middle of April.

Down here in Florida, there were tornado warnings with serious winds.

At one point, the sun was shining brighter than the glittery shoes we all wish we wore on prom night.

And at the same time it was pouring down rain across the street.

I mentioned to a friend that “Oh…looks like the Devil is beating his wife.”

My friend (who is from elsewhere) was aghast. How could someone say something so incindeary and politically incorrect?

I had to tell him that it’s an old southern saying. Kind of like, you know, “She’s meaner than a wet panther.”

His deer-in-the-headlights facial expression made me realize that we southerners may have turns of phrase that are exclusive within our swamp-encircled ethereal rainbow afternoons, mornings, and twilight bass fishing tournaments.

My friend’s shock and awe drove me to investigate the linguistic form of the phrase. (Google says the word “etymology” is only good for individual words, roots, prefixes, suffixes, affixes, and Indiana Jones cosplay winner speeches. So linguistic form of phrase it is.)

What Does it Mean?

If someone tells you that the Devil is beating his wife then that means it is raining while the sun is shining.

If someone tells you that the Devil is beating his wife and there is neither, then that person is a psychopath or at least an intern at Satan Inc.

Where Did it Come From?

Well it depends on which source you trust the most. The phrase is apparently indigenous to the southeast U.S., Hungary, and (obviously) Utah.

Okay. Here are some possible origins. Please choose the one that you like best:

Jonathan Swift:

One of the Best Pamphleteers of the Modern Age

Have you ever heard of Jonathan Swift? If that name is new to you, it probably sounds like a clothing brand that is trying to creep in on Vineyard Vines’ demographic.

Here’s the high conept version of Jonathan Swift in the form of five fun facts:

1. His maternal grandfather, James Ericke, was the vicar of Thornton, England.
2. His grandmother Elizabeth (Dryden) Swift was the niece of Sir Erasmus Dryden, grandfather of poet John Dryden.
3. He spoke with a heavy lisp that often resulted in a showering of spittle from his mouth during his wonderful speeches. This is why you will never see a photograph of Jonathan Swift doing a speech with anybody sitting in the front row.
4. He wrote his own epitaph. I don’t know what that is. Is it a pregnancy test?
5. He may or not have been responsible for creating this Devil/Spousal Abuse/Weather phrase we started out talking about.

Here is a quote from Jonathan Swift (1738): “ The Devil was beating his wife behind the door with a shoulder of mutton.”

What?

The French

To be fair to Mr. Swift, it was probably France that started it.

Jonathon Green, a “slang lexicographer” reports that “The image probably combines that of the Devil exuding the fire of hell (the rays of the sun) and his beaten wife’s tears being represented by the rain.”

Dark, dude. Mr. Green gives the French credit for this:

“The first known example, dated 1703, is quoted ‘as the French say’ and runs To go and thrash him round the church-yard, as the devil does his wife in rainy weather when the sun shines.

Not scary at all, French people.

Richard Inwards

Richard Inward’s Current Home

There are no pictures of Richard Inwards. And rightly so. He is probably the most culpable of all in propagating Devil wife beating in conjunction with beautiful sunny days upon whence it rains.

The above image is a picture I took of his house when I tried to track him down for a Polaroid fanshot.

Richard Inwards wrote a devastatingly powerful short story back in the 60’s and he described a moment, and it was right at the crescendo of the story, where it was raining and sunshining at the same time.

And at that moment, he states that when it rains in the sun then that means “The Devil is beating his wife with a walking stick.”

Richard Inwards died in 2008 when he was attending a motorcycle stunt show. It was one of those ones where the motorcyclists ride on a high wire.

He sat there in the stands looking up at the motorcycles on the high wire and joked to his friends “Hey, how about if that motorcycle falls off of that high wire and the bike, rider, and myself all die in a fiery mess? They would ask my wife ‘So how did he die?’ Hahahaha!”

All of his friends laughed and slapped their knees.

A little less than six minutes later, a motorcycle fell off of the high wire and the bike, rider, and Richard Inwards all died in a fiery mess.

Some Tips for Mrs. Devil

I don’t know if the Devil is married or not. But I will say this, ladies:

If you plan on courting the Devil, here are some tools I would like to suggest for you to have.

(This is based on the idea that he may or not beat you when it rains.)

1. Have remote controlled pincers installed in his work boots that pinch his toes whenever you want.
2. Put a Pinata full of coke in his backpack. This will keep him from fleeing. (Successfully.)
3. Get to know his Mama.

In Conclusion

The next time it rains in the sun, blame the French.

Tell that boy to open his sketch book before he starts drawing.

Nelson Vauxhall

For more: nelsonvauxhall.com and obviously @nelsonvauxhall on the Tweezler.