The World Cup Squad Report
Every single team in Brazil 2014, ranked.
Ah, “Top ___ Lists.” Ranking stuff is our collective pastime; as American as commercial shopping centers, cheating on standardized tests, and binging on, well, anything. It satisfies two needs on Maslow’s Hierarchy of American Needs: (1) It lets us know what is better than other stuff, and (2) allows us to argue about the content, yet agree on the premise. In fact, whenever a political debate between two candidates devolves into feces-flinging madness, Bob Costas can refer to the last page of his shuffled-the-reshuffled sheet of questions, labelled “THINGS WE CAN ALL AGREE ON.” “Ranking the shit out of everything” is item #1 on that list. (HBO’s “John Adams” miniseries is #2, for those keeping score at home)
Today we’re ranking the World frickin’ Cup!!! So fun. Combine the act of ranking with the biggest sporting spectacle since humanity once filed into a stone building built by slave labor to watch lions tear jugulars off of slaves, and you get a pretty delicious combination. This is a momentous day. Usually, ranking stuff manifests as the tried-and-true, triple-A-certified, David Letterman-inspired, “Top Ten.” Ten? TEN!?!?! This is the World Cup! We can do 32! That’s the kind of super-size-me largesse we demand in this country! Maybe if we supersized everything in footy, more people in this country would get on the bandwagon.
(Smart — no, that’s not right…“irritating” — readers will no doubt point out that we could also rank the top referees [boring], stadia [ooh, good idea] or even all 736 players [this stuff doesn’t type itself, you irritants]. Thanks for the feedback, Dear Reader! Oh, and I just nested parantheticals within a paranthetical. Let’s get this article back on the rails…)
Without further ado, let’s quantify the living hell out of Brazil 2014.
32 — 29. The Gah, FIFA-is-Worse-than-a-Colonoscopy Group. If one is lucky enough to have a parent or two around when as they grow up, you’re generally led to believe you should be aspirational and ambitious. For instance, you could grow up to be an important diplomat, or politician, or TMZ reporter. But have no fear, Slackers, you’re doing a whole lot more good sitting in your comfy sofa doing absolutely nothing than you would doing something generally “helpful to humanity” like running a world organization such as FIFA. In fact, Dear Reader, if you were to pursue a career in international politics, I’d hazard 75 percent odds that you would end up as a FIFA executive (you do enjoy football, after all). Unfortunately, you would turn into an abhorrent bastard deprived of all dignity and character. No matter how much I try to explain how awful FIFA is, I won’t be able to do it the justice that former The Daily Show correspondent John Oliver can. You absolutely must watch this:
About sums it up. So, how does this involve the teams ranked 32-29? Well, their mere inclusion at the World Cup is simply another reason FIFA just flat stinks. Due to its alignment with world politics, the World Cup’s quality of teams has steadily declined with the inclusion of more and more Asian, African, Oceanic, and North/Central American nations at the expense of generally more competitive European and South American ones. FIFA has decided that everyone on earth deserves a local-ish squad to root for, but too many slots have been assigned to mediocre qualifiers in middling associations.
Thus, these teams don’t just stink, they stink in unison with the very association who arbitrarily positioned them to be in Brazil: FIFA. Iran (32) and Australia (31) both fill two slots too many from the Asian Football Confederation; I give Australia the slight nod due to their superior domestic league, I guess. CONCACAF’s Honduras (30) and Mexico (29) round out our Flatulent FIFA Foursome of squads who are solely here because of FIFA’s globalist spreading of unjustified slots. No doubt Qatar will soon be granted their Official FIFA Oil Provider Sponsor™ Automatic Qualification spot.
28. Algeria
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
27. Cameroon
Just call this the “No Man is an Island” team. Three players — Nicolas N’Koulou, Alex Song, and Samuel Eto’o — will each have to shoulder the entire weight of each respective third of the field, from back to front. To qualify, Cameroon had to best the harrowing gauntlet of Tunisia, Togo, the DR Congo, and Libya. Despite their surprising friendly 2-2 draw with Germany, the Cameroonians fell easily to Portugal (1-5) and Paraguay (1-2) in recent fixtures. Cameroon shouldn’t be in a World Cup. Keep in mind that Zlatan Ibrahimović — the world’s best pure center forward — is stuck at home (maybe not?) because Sweden *only* finished second in UEFA Group C to Germany in a group that also featured Austria and Ireland. Next, they get drawn to Portugal for the play-off and are promptly Ronaldo’d, knocking Zlatan out of the World Cup. I’m sure Cameroon is lovely, but I hate it.
26. Costa Rica
Los Ticos are the best of the bad teams, and that’s worth something. They were strong customers in the CONCACAF hexagonal; One would honestly have to say they got the better of the United States over the aggregate matches they played in Denver (the 1-0 U.S. “Snow Game” victory) and San José (a 3-1 Ticos win). Uruguay, England, and Italy will not be so kind.
25 — 23. The Jekylls
We sorta, kinda, mayyyyyyyyybe though these teams could pull of at least one surprise in Brazil. That feeling, however drug-induced it was, is now gone. The Jekylls have limped to the beginning of play with some — as Ian Darke might say — “impotent” displays. Nigeria (25) might have reached a halfway respectable scoreline (1-2) against the Americans in Florida, but the balance of play suggested the Super Eagles are exactly what the press suggest: disjointed, uncommunicative, and poorly conditioned. Keep your eyes peeled for Vincent Enyeama, though — the big ‘keeper is always good for one awesome save. You would think they’d relish the opportunity to slip underneath Argentina for second place in Group F, but Bosnia and even Iran may be too tough at this point.
Nigerians, retirees…who else can we add to the list of people rapidly deteriorating in Florida? Oh, South Korea (24)! They too saw fit to play a friendly in the Sunshine State, what with its congruent-to-Brazil timezone and “comparable” weather. Their opponents — Ghana — had no trouble acclimatizing, smashing the Koreans 4-0. They, too, are limping into the tournament.
Though Switzerland (23) has won their recent tune-up matches, they’ve been far from convincing. Add in star player Xherdan Shaqiri’s decision to rest himself for the latest run-out due to the fourth nagging muscular injury of the season (one in which he barely even played for Bayern Munich), and the general mood bodes ill for the Chocolatiers. I made up that nickname. It will stick, I’m sure of it. They could be that team to shock the world, like 2002's fourth-placed South Korea, or 1998's third-placed Croatia, but it just isn’t looking likely. With possibly the best set of wide players in the tournament — wingers Shaqiri and Valentin Stocker, plus sidebacks Stephan Lichtsteiner and Ricardo Rodriguez — the Chocolatiers resemble a chocolate-covered cherry without the cherry; there’s nothing in the middle.
22-20. The “Who am I?” Squads
Just as Derek Zoolander once realized, these teams “have a lot to ponder.” They truly have no idea how good they can be. Both Ecuador (22) and Bosnia and Herzegovina (21) will relish their draws in groups E and G, respectively. Bosnia looks a likely knockout-stager with the likes of Argentina, Nigeria, and Iran to contend with. Anything but advancement will be an abject failure considering. Unforunately, a second-place finish would likely see them paired with France in the next round. As much as I despise Manchester City players, I’ll probably punch a hole in my television if Bosnia don’t get Edin Džeko at least 34 headed shot attempts in the first half of tournament play.
Ecuador will benefit from its draw into Group E, where Switzerland look a beatable foe in the heat of South America and Honduras will scrap but eventually capitulate. Only France looks like a likely loss, but that should still suffice. On paper, they seem tantalizing to someone looking for a rogue bet, but only one win in their last six outings does not bode well. Reports that they are attempting to build mountains in Brazil to play their matches upon — like their domestic Quito stadium — are reportedly being ignored by Sepp Blatter, precluded by his daily colonoscopy. Another winged team who will look to get the ball out to Antonio Valencia and Jefferson Montero, the two will aimlessly dribble into the corner flag, eventually losing possession. Keep the chips n’ dip close at hand, that’s all I’m saying.
Then, there’s C’ote d’Ivoire (20), a country that seemingly exists solely for international football. Seriously, I’m pretty sure they drew the boundaries with its West African neighbors solely so the region could create a super-team of footballers. The line was probably redrawn 25 yards so the Touré household could be claimed, saving both Kolo and Yaya from representing Burkina Faso, or something. With each passing year, Les Elephants’ “golden generation” loses a little bit of luster. Champions League regulars like Yaya, Didier Drogba, Gervinho, and Soloman Kalou seemingly make them “dark horses,” yet they have never exited a World Cup group stage and have consistently failed to perform at the Africa Cup of Nations, once thought to be a birthright. Group C is a complete toss-up with Japan, Colombia, Greece, and the Ivorians. One would think “this is the moment,” but Yaya’s injury concerns abound, and his country won’t make a dent without the services of the world’s best holding midfielder.
19-17. The You-Have-To-Pick-At-Least-One-Of-Us Group
Are you one of those masochists who loves being driven to insanity? Do you like to go all sabermetric on footy, attempting to splice together likely subjective outcomes from objective measurements? Well, congratulations — this set of teams is for you! History tells us you have to pick at least one to surprisingly advance out of the group, or even to the quarterfinals.
Japan (19) possesses the deepest depth chart for a single position — attacking midfielder — outside of Argentina’s set of forwards. Shinji Kagawa, Keisuke Honda, and Yoichiro Kakitani all need to be on the field due to their individual excellence, but nobody knows for sure how they’ll line up or if it’ll be two ninjas too many. Somehow, they finished second in their first AFC qualifying group to…Uzbekistan…so I’m not really sure which Blue Samurai we’ll get. They might be good value for the money considering the aforementioned degree of difficulty in Group C.
Greece (18) also warrant good value, coinciding with the ten-year anniversary of their greatest-ever achievement: winning Euro 2004. The names of Karagounis and Zagorakis are gone, but names pretty much as phonetically jacked-up have taken their place. Their waltz through qualifying (8-1-1) was stereotypical, with a dominant defense allowing a paltry four goals. Let’s put it this way: If the Greeks eke out three points from their first two matches and need a solitary point to advance against Ivory Coast, Sokratis Papastathopoulos n’ Co. are a guarantee to get it done.
The Americans (17) check in here, precisely in the middle of the World Cup pack. How strange, Dear Reader! I wonder why I would put a team that seemingly gets better and better yet really needs to finally kick things into gear in such a middling spot? We’re like the young James Franco when he was doing Spiderman movies — always doing this face. My God, look at that face. There’s so much goddamned potential. And here I see that he’s a Mensa-certified genius? Why does he always have this dumb look on his face? Next, you do “Pineapple Express,” just like how the U.S. did World Cup 2002, which I wrote much more expansively on here. What’s next, though? The U.S. has hesitated to jump up to Franco’s level in “127 Hours.” Aron Jóhannsson, for example, could make 152 freedom deposits or he could score -2. We just don’t know.
Between the U.S., Greece, and Japan, one will almost undoubtedly hit the quarterfinal stage, but you’d be hard-pressed for more than that.
16. Ghana
Could be either one of the best teams to fail (would it be so ignoble to fail to Germany, Portugal, and the U.S.?) or one of the worst teams to advance. No one will be surprised if the Black Stars make it to the quarterfinals, though.
15. Russia
The Soviets should be licking their chops, as they finally have the attacking talent to match their Putin-esque ambition. Aleksandr Kokorin, 23-years-of-age, will lead the attack from various ports. Fabio Capello’s charges will race in behind him to press high and strangle the opposition. Predominantly composed of CSKA Moscow men, the miserly defense allowed a lone five goals during qualifying to the likes of Portugal, Northern Ireland, and Israel — not bad. Acrobatic keeper Igor Akinfeev is now a veteran, and could have one of those put-the-team-on-my-back tournaments. He can do things like this:
14. Colombia
Too low? Perhaps. Colombia may just be a top-ten team in this year’s World Cup, but I’m not comprehensively convinced with the loss of the talismanic Falcao, one of the best goal scorers I’ve ever seen. Playing an attack-minded 4-2-2-2 in the aforementioned Group C, there’s a chance the Colombianos will run away with the weak group stage, scoring plenty of goals and receiving more press coverage than Irina Shayk. The two pushed-inside wingers — James Rodriguez and Juan Cuadrado — make one of the best combos in the whole tournament. Unfortunately, like Switzerland, playing tons of football on the edge never results in long tournament stays. Take note that the entirety of Group C is ranked 20, 19, 18, and 14. Should be a filthy-good watch, as all of these teams will think they are the big dog in the cage.
13-11. The Group of Melancholy
All of these teams will fail. They’ll fail despite Brazilian-booty-sized expectations in their home nations. They’ll fail after teasing you with glory once or twice. They’ll blast some poor Asian/African team 5-0, then succumb to a better-organized European rival 0-1. They’ll fail even though they have the talent to win it all.
To be honest, it’s hard to call Cristiano Ronaldo a failure at anything. He’ll likely outdo all expectations — it will be his teammates struggling to keep up. Portugal (13) lost the Euro 2004 Final, to the aforementioned Greeks, in the last opportunity to win their first international title. It’s hard not to feel for them, considering their appealing play in World Cup 2010 and Euro 2012 were both ended by the greatest national team of all-time: Spain. The defense is worrisome, but they won’t meet their Iberian rivals until the semifinals at the earliest. Joao Moutinho, Raul Meireles, and Pepe will have to keep possession and continually feed Ronaldo, already Portugal’s all-time leading scorer. They will flatter, only to deceive.
England (12) basically wrote the book on that, and they’re primed to do it again. Group D presents a tricky, shape-shifting threat of Uruguay and Italy, the trio of which form a junior-Group of Death. Football represents an especially political and contentious subject in the U.K., one which may shackle manager Roy Hogdson’s decision making. Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, and even Wayne Rooney may be sore and tired after dogged work in the Premier League. The decision to unleash Barkley, Lallana, Henderson, Sterling, Welbeck, Shaw, and Wilshere could change England’s trajectory. I mean, really. Close your eyes and envision Steven Gerrard lifting the World Cup trophy after playing every minute of the tournament next to Frank Lampard. It ain’t happening. By going for broke and making a go at it, they might just realize they were rich all along.
Uruguay (11) round out our deceptive pranksters, with far too many grey-hairs to keep up with England’s young pups and Italy’s top-tier organization. Diego Forlan, Edinson Cavani, and Luis Suarez certainly can all get it done, but defenders like Diego Lugano and Maxi Peireira will make too many errors in the end.
10. Croatia
Croatia, you ask? Why, yes, I quite fancy them. They should casually slip out of Group A at the expense of Cameroon and Mexico, where either the Dutch or Spanish will sadly await. Thus, Croatia’s ceiling sits at four matches. The real question is whether Bayern Munich striker Mario Mandžukić can win the Golden Boot in that amount of time. One of the true out-and-out poachers left in the game, the crafty and intelligent midfield trio of Luka Modrić, Mateo Kovačić, and Barcelona-bound Ivan Rakitić will get their big target-man the ball early and often without pretension. If they had a genuine pair of wingers, they’d be one of the deadliest teams in Brazil. Looking for a real dark horse? This is it.
9. The Netherlands
For the reigning World Cup runners-up, this seems low doesn’t it? Consider that the bare core of that team remains: Wesley Sneijder, Robin van Persie, and Arjen Robben. For all of the offensive destruction they will wreak, the Dutch have lost the salt that made them so unique last time out. Consider who has departed: Gio van Bronckhorst, Johnny Heitinga, Mark van Bommel, and Maarten Stekelenburg. Of the eight 2014 defenders, six of them still ply their trade in the Dutch Eredivisie. Yikes.
Let’s just try to remember the good times, yeah? Here’s van Bronckhorst’s legendary “absolute firecracker” from 2010, in the semifinal against Uruguay. Say your prayers to IAN EFFIN’ DARKE afterwards:
8. Chile
Another Group D’er, the Chileans may first appear the outsider amongst world “powers” England and Italy. Look closer into the rapturous, violent soul of Arturo Vidal, and you’ll soon see why either the English or the Italians are so, so, so so so screwed.
Arturo Vidal does not suffer fools. He doesn’t “play around.” He just scores goals, tackles, passes, dribbles, runs a billion miles per match, and probably other things we don’t want to know about. He does them all pretty much as well as anyone else does in the world. I have no idea what position he plays, nor does his manager, and no one cares. He’d start on any other team at the World Cup, and would make them instantly better. Group D will, most of the time, look as violent as a root canal in the middle of a divorce court hearing. In such circumstances, I think I’d prefer Arturo Vidal in my corner over, say, Jordan Henderson or Claudio Marchisio.
7. Italy
Gli Azzurri count a traditionally stacked back-line amongst their usual strengths, and still feature the most elegant playmaker in the world: Andrea Pirlo. Pirlo, for all of the jokes about his Euro-coolness, is pretty cool. He’s like the athletic version of the “Most Interesting Man in the World.” Class, let’s review:
There’s word that England will use Danny Welbeck or another fast, physical man-marker on Pirlo. That would probably be smart; he exudes more class from a single pore on his forehead than England do in their whole squad.
My sister traditionally roots for the “tall, dark, brooding, handsome” Italians, and I usually curse their every step. Truly, I don’t care if they storm towards another semifinal and/or final, just so long as they don’t Scuba Diving Team their way to it, a la World Cup 2006.
6. France
Here’s a real dark horse, if you believe dark horses can be previous World Cup, Euro, and Confederations Cup champions. With Franck Ribery out, many will decry their chances. Therein lies the “dark horse” tag — wait for the press to call a massively talented bunch of players likely failures, then pick them as you dark horse. Voila!
I’ve got news for you: Franck Ribery has been a shell of himself in the last three months of the domestic season, and France are better off without his services on the left wing (gasp!). Now, youngster Antoinne Griezmann can flourish as the left winger in a three-headed attack with Karim Benzema and Mathieu Valbuena. Jamaica recently felt the sting of a Ribery-less French team, submitting 8-0. Behind them, brash 21-year-old superstar Paul Pogba will marshal the midfield — if he’s fully focused and prepared for a coming-out party, this is it. These guys might just be the right combination of young and experienced to hit the right note.
5. Belgium
I wrote entirely too much about Belgium in my earlier article on this year’s breakout players. No warm-blooded, self-respecting American man should opine that thoroughly on Belgians, but there I am for all the internet to see. Good thing I can delete all this later for posterity. Once again, I’d like to reiterate that the Red Devils are ranked eleventh in FIFA’s chimerical World Rankings, and are commonly being chosen to reach the semifinals and beyond. That does not mean they are a dark horse, that means they are a favorite.
For sound reason, too. Eden Hazard and Kevin Mirallas will torture defenders on the wings, and the central spine of the squad — Vincent Kompany and Thomas Vermaelen, Fellaini/Dembele/Witsel, and Romelu Lukaku — are some frighteningly imposing physiques. They’re like brutes with twinkle-toes. Kompany, in particular, reminds me of a guy who would help you kill a bear or lion in the Roman coliseum, escape with you, then help you hatch a plot to take back what is rightfully yours. His skull just looks like it could naturally withstand blunt-force trauma.
Algeria, Russia, and South Korea should look like canon-fodder for the likes of Hazard, Lukaku, and Kevin de Bruyne.
4. Germany
If any team besides Nigeria is just straight-up self-imploding, it’s the Germans. Marco Reus? Didn’t even make it on the plane. Sami Khedira and Bastian Schweinsteiger? Both will likely play through some pain or discomfort. Mesut Özil? Looking exhausted after the strain of Arsenal’s multiple-front competitions. The friendly with Chile brought up more questions than answers, as time and time again the Chileans. Against Portugal, manager Joachim Löw could be forced to field captain Phillip Lahm at holding midfield and place four natural centerbacks across his defensive line. Cristiano Ronaldo and Nani dribbling against centerbacks on the wing? I know who I like in that scenario. Oh, and long-forgotten Ílkay Gündogan? He’s gotten pretty fat.
Löw certainly has to “get it right.” With Reus out, who will take his place? There’s a bevy of talent across the top four attacking positions, and they’re all essentially interchangable. We still aren’t even sure if Mario Götze will play a false-nine center-forward position, or Löw will go all-in with 36-year-old Miroslav Klose, allowing him ample opportunity to become the all-time World Cup goals record holder. Is Özil a lock at the ‘10' position? Should Thomas Müller slide in there and debutant Julian Draxler play on the right? Should Bayern Munich midfield maestro Toni Kroos play in a holding position, advanced, or not at all? Will we get more opportunities to play the Lukas Podolski Song as he continues to score international goals at a shocking rate and yet still being regarded as a bit-time player? MY HEAD IS SPINNING AND THERE’S NO END IN SIGHT.
Right now, the act of discussing die Nationalmannschaft equates to throwing darts blindfolded. That’s not a heartening manner to enter a major tournament, no matter how talented you are.
CELEBRATORY IAN EFFIN’ DARKE BREAK
My mother practices mental health therapy, and often extolls the benefits of behavioral reinforcement strategies. I’ve taken this to mean I should give myself as much Ian Darke as I want, as often as I want. That way, I’m always happy.
That’s right, people, before we get all hot n’ heavy with the top three teams, it’s time to give Ian Darke’s insightful (isn’t that redundant?) article covering his preparation methods for major tournaments a read. Want to know what goes on in the mind of a genius? This is like being a fly on the wall of Michelangelo’s cranium, people. Give it a read.
3. Spain
I like Spain. Hell, my favorite restaurant is a dressed-up tapas bar. Nothing against Spain’s brilliance, but it’s time for the run to end. Don’t be sad that it’s over, Spanish supporters — be thankful that it happened.
What exactly was “it”? An unprecedented period which saw La Furia Roja capture Euro 2008, World Cup 2010, and Euro 2012. The players who played in the final match of all three competitions — Iker Casillas, Andrés Iniesta, Xavi Hernández, and Sergio Ramos — are now 33, 30, 34, and 28, respectively. Concurrently, they feature a wealth of young talent that should scare everyone about as much as the elderly foursome did six years ago.
The 2013 Confederation’s Cup Final loss to Brazil raised alarms from Catalonia to Madrid to Sevilla to the Basque countryside. Sure, a loss to a home-grounded top team like Brazil in a “casual” competition shouldn’t cause too much hand-wringing, but the 3-0 scoreline and decisiveness of the defeat certainly does. It wasn’t so much that the Brazilians ended the Spaniards’ 29-match winning streak, it’s that they completely demystified the style of play that Spain uses. By choking the life out of Spain’s midfield trio of Barcelona’s Sergio Busquets, Xavi, and Iniesta with incessant, nagging, physical pressure, Brazil hit them right up in the chin. Committing far more fouls on the day, the Brazilians seemingly got away with plenty — but the blueprint was paraded around the world for everyone to see.
Now, wise manager Vicente del Bosque will likely forgo the team’s old 4-1-2-3 in exchange for a “double-pivot” 4-2-1-3. Subtle, but different. Two defensive midfielders puts both Busquest and the recently resuscitated Xabi Alonso together in the middle of the park. Will this version of Spain press less and allow their opponents more possession? It would seem so. This will also jettison Iniesta out to the left-wing, where he lacks pace but certainly is one of the best dribblers and passers around. Hopefully the little man — the 2010 World Cup’s best player — will conjure up one last tournament-full of magic for us.
Xavi will play the ‘1' behind the three attackers, but don’t be surprised if his tired legs give way to younger blood like Arsenal’s Santi Cazorla or Atletico Madrid’s young Koke. Del Bosque has options, yet won’t be too fast on that trigger considering his kinship with Xavi. In front, leading the line, will likely be false-nine center forward Cesc Fàbregas. Del Bosque’s new charge, the Brazilian Diego Costa, will not be trusted immediately. That all could change after a substitution and a goal or two, though.
Largely a gut-feeling as it is, it just doesn’t feel right for Spain this go-around. You can’t win two World Cups and two Euros back-to-back-to-back-to-back. You just can’t. Though if there’s any team that could, it’s probably these guys.
2. Brazil
To be born Brazilian is to be born aspiring for the World Cup. Amidst the pressure-cooking cauldron of national urging, these players will have to reconcile their considerable athletic talents with an unfathomable level of mental fortitude. Sure, they all play in big matches in European leagues. But this — THIS — is different. In the world’s favorite game, in the game’s biggest tournament, in the tournament’s most successful nation, all hosted in the nation’s own communities, this group has about 30 days to go from professional athletes to walking legends. While other teams have similar aspirations, the weight of expectation will feel like Atlas’s struggle to the members of the Seleção.
Manager Felipe Scolari will intelligently arrange them in an un-Brazilian 4-2-3-1, though the home crowds will likely urge the players ever forward. This Brazil isn’t the raw, primal beast it has been in the past — think of them more like a suit-laden James Bond, always calculating when to risk an attack. It’s a good thing that David Luiz and Thiago Silva are the best centerback pairing on earth, because the holes left by the marauding Marcelo and Dani Alves always seem a comfortable risk for the two sidebacks.
That’s why Paulinho and the vastly underrated Luiz Gustavo will stay home, constantly tracking wingers and attacking midfielders alike. Up front, striker Fred is the garbage man, cleaning up the spectacular crosses and rebounded shots from the feet of Neymar and Hulk.
Though Neymar, still an enigma to so many, is the face of the World Cup’s beginnings, I believe it will be his club teammate Lionel Messi in the spotlight at the end. Neymar won’t fail, but he simply isn’t the player he will be in the next four years; with such uninhibited talent and verve, his early-20s development at Barcelona will soon shoot him into player-of-the-year discussions and the like. Amongst journalists and fans, there’s a propensity to write Neymar’s destiny before his story has been played out — the poetic possibilities of the ‘New Pelé’ welcoming the world to his home for the world’s greatest tournament, then single-handedly claiming the trophy and restoring Brazil to its rightful place as the world’s best footballing nation is all just too exciting to ponder. Neymar didn’t put the World Cup in Brazil, and he didn’t ever say “this is the year.” At just 22 years old, the seemingly stable and mature young man will still get Russia 2018 and Qatar/USA 2022. At Russia, in particular, he will be at the height of his powers.
It’s not just about the Kid, either. Center forward Fred is not about to join the long heritage of Brazilian finishers, Marcelo and Alves will leave gaps at the back, and Hulk has occasionally turned in some middling performances. They’ll be in the money at the end, but I’m not sure this is the year they’ll take it.
1. Argentina
Ah, now here’s a squad where everything is aligning. When entering a World Cup, one of my favorite axioms goes like this: “A manager wants his center forward to be confidently banging in the goals, and he doesn’t care where he’s doing it. It could be the Champions League, Dutch League, or the local Sunday League — just score the bloody goals.”
Enter La Albiceleste, who boast five forwards with an aggregate total of 124 strikes in the past club season. Certainly, modern football isn’t nearly about the attack as it once was, but there also hasn’t been an assembly of talent like Gonzalo Higuaín, Sergio Agüero, Lionel Messi, Rodrigo Palacio, and Ezequiel Lavezzi. Thankfully, manager Alejandro Sabella has arranged them correctly thus far. By putting the playmaking Messi behind prolific strikers Higuaín and Agüero in the attacking-midfielder position, we will get to see Messi do what Maradona did nearly three decades ago: everything. Link the defense with the attack, silkily dribble through phone-booth-sized spaces, keep possession, play 1-2s with the forwards, make late runs into the box, and score. I think he’ll score a lot.
Rumors that he exagerrated the severity of injuries at Barca this season in order to rest up for the World Cup aren’t in his personality, yet those same injuries likely have, indeed, permitted his legs some moments of pause. At 26 years of age, with the World Cup played on his home continent (though many will point out he hasn’t lived in South American too often since leaving for Spain as a boy), with an incredible lineup of attacking collaborators, it just feels like destiny approaching for potentially the sport’s greatest ever player.
It reminds me of when comedian Dave Chapelle got to do “The Chapelle Show” on Comedy Central. Certain übermensches, with their superior genetics and success, get a single opportunity to show the world their genius. Chapelle, given the national stage for the first time, produced a premiere episode of television that will rank highly in the annals of history. I mean, right out of the gate, he gives us the “Black White Supremicist” skit. RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE. FIRST EPISODE.
There’s blood in the water, and Messi will make even more of it on his own. “But…but…bu…hold on a minute now, what about the REST of Argentina?” Great question. With shuttling midfielder Angel di Maria playing center-mid without possession, left wing with possession, and somewhere in-between during breaks, Argentina will at times resemble a 4-3-1-2, 4-2-4, and 4-2-wtf-1-2.
Thus, di Maria better be ready to run, run, run. Thankfully, he looks like a human greyhound. Likewise, Javier Mascherano and Gago will be forced into some desperation-defending. It can work, though, because these are great players. Marcos Rojo is a young rising star, and Ezequiel Garay will stoutly defend his box. Argentina conceded 15 goals in 16 qualifying matches, good for second-best in South America. In the meantime, they scored 35 goals, an astonishing return against the likes of Colombia, Ecuador, Uruguay, and two teams with the quality to be in the World Cup but aren’t because FIFA sucks: Peru and Venezuela. South American qualifying is a beast compared to every other confederation, and Argentina topped it with a surprising steel and fortitude. Sabella has given his players continuity and a faculty with one-another; Maradona’s coke-fueled idiocy no longer tarnishes the Argentine tactics. With this mix, they have set Messi up to do what he does best: win you matches.
The 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil starts tomorrow. Enjoy, everyone.
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