The day you said you were “in love.”
I have always been the type to believe that we as humans settle when our hearts feel fuzzy and our eyes become blind by the lense of romance. I had been in a high school relationship for so long that I knew what being comfortable felt like, but never what being in love was. My childhood created a wall miles high, constructed by the memory of my parents always fighting; never loving. There was no affection in our home. -Kisses were bruises, words of affection were yells.- I was not sure what love was, when it came I felt like a deer infront of headlights. Completely blinded and confused, standing still as love clashed my body, re-arranging every part of me. The first time I kissed someone and felt my body feeling sparks it had never felt before I stayed up all night telling myself that I was not in love. As the months went by, the walls came down. And wow, the memories of falling in love are some of my favorite. When he gave me his heart I took it and guarded it, it was my treasure. However, I was blinded by thinking I was in love. Indulging myself too much. He began showing red flags I decided to ignore. He began doing things I wouldn’t have been okay with if that lense wasn’t blinding me. Loving is an addiction, and it’s the scariest one. I became addicted to him, as he did to me. We were devoted and connected, heart and soul and it was both of our first experience falling so passionately. We held on tight and never wanted to let go, grasping so tightly we began hurting each other. Pleading for the pain to stop but never letting go of the grip. Finally we both parted ways, after painful years of entangled pain. The funny thing about love is, it doesn’t always work out. It’s not an easy concept to understand, why would your heart pick someone you aren’t going to end up with? But that’s life. So cliche I know. However this last relationship highlighted a lot of dark corners about love I had never seen before. I learned what I need in a relationship and what I am staying away from in the future. I learned how to be a better girlfriend next time my heart picks someone again. Letting go was a process, with withdrawals, sleepless nights and days full of thoughts you don’t want to focus on. But this was the best lesson. I don’t know if I believe in falling in love anymore, I know I’m capable of loving someone, but forever is such a bizarre thing to promise someone. Years later, I have realized why sometimes people are meant to be lessons. He taught me that being in love…or something similar… does exist and it will come to me when it’s right. As of now I’m keeping this beautiful heart of mine by my side because I fixed it and it is MY treasure. My biggest prized procession.