The 54th Deadline: Envy

Envy is an ugly word. At the same time, I cannot help but feel it when the insecure side of myself decides to show up. After all, I have been through my share of flip-flopping moments over the years. I embraced every random victory or triumph, no matter how minute they may have been.

But likewise, I have had a tendency to dwell on negativity and let my envy perpetuate the problems even further. The more I have grown to accept it, the more I learn to realize that to become fixated on such matters is a weakness.

Years ago, I started blogging because I did not have a job. I was long-termed unemployed as a college graduate. Not having a job, let alone a type of job I wanted, drove me down a dark path. My mental state became overly sensitive and pathetic.

At this stage in the game, where I faced a choice between trying to figure out how to recover or just wallow in my misery, I, unfortunately, picked the latter for a long time. While going through the worst moments of my life, I grew envious. I was super jealous of a lot of people.

Too many people, in fact, to count…

But let’s just say many of them were former friends/peers. From my perspective, I thought they had their respective acts together. They were on the right track toward major success while I was stuck feeling like a loser.

Yup, it boiled down to very black-and-white thinking. I felt stuck as a zero, and everyone else was a hero in my eyes. I was living at home with my parents, and my former friends/peers already had their fancy careers, families and a whole lot more.

To Feel Weak
 So in this context, yeah — it was easy to see why I fell into my personal pit of despair. It was a no-brainer. Instead of focusing on myself, I let my mind wander into la-la land.

This person just got hired for this big job!

And this person just got engaged!

Oh, and this person over here is moving to an exciting city!

At the end of the day, none of this matters. Not one bit. They are not me. And I am not them.

To feel this kind of envy is unnecessary. To feel beat up over it is even more pointless.

Life goes on with or without you. For me, I got too weary of being left behind and had to take some steps on my own.

This reason is why I keep trying every day. It does not get any easier. I just get stronger, albeit slowly. The hope is that something significant will pan out if I keep going. I cannot stop now.

A life that I can actually enjoy is right around the corner. I will never see it if I obsess over other people.

“Hope is my catalyst.” — Nhan Pham

Originally published at The 54th Deadline.

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