“You’re outta milk bro,” the refrigerator said.

“For real?” I hadn’t had coffee yet; I could barely make out how much cereal I was pouring into my bowl.

“Nah.” The fridge laughed a big clunky laugh from the depth of it’s ice tray.

“I don’t know why you think that’s funny.” I said, opening his big dumb front door. “Quit pulling it shut!”

The fridge just laughed and laughed.

“Are you still drunk from last night?”

More laughing.

“Do you get off on this?” I asked. “I heard you making ice again at like, 3 am. You know I have…

Exchange Lung Noise
Back and forth like idiots
Full billow in the sail
Hot smelly wind
Barf in your face
Shit in your dreams
Finish your applesauce
Piss in your jeans

This was the year Jeremy found true love and had his first sexual experience in a bubble chair. He worried the whole time that the thing would drop from it’s precarious hook, but as his neighbor Anna’s hips moved rhythmically back on forth on him the thing held in place, swaying only slightly back and forth as they explored their neighborly relationship.

Jeremy worried about his relationship with Anna, them being so close, but ultimately calmed down about it after weeks had passed without even the slightest contact from her. Had she moved? Jeremy would be both heartbroken and relieved…

“I don’t think these ones are painted right,” I said, pointing to the orange macrame goose hanging from the ceiling by a thin plastic wire. We’re not talking a burn, auburn orange — like Denver Broncos orange.

“That was the only shade of orange they had at the craft store,” Phillip shouted from the ladder. His chubby fingers were busy delicately lacing the thin wire through the hooks drilled into the ceiling.

“You’re supposed to mix it with other colors,” I explained. “Black, white, they’ll make it different shades. Didn’t you go to art school?”

“I went to an art…

Is it hard being “Officer Gardener?” Nah. Not really. Sure, you got a few extra looks, maybe the occasionally jib from some punk kid. But my mobile garden got way more positive feedback than negative, especially from children and their sometimes very available mothers. Divorce rate is at an all time high, and so are my sunflowers! Everyone loves sunflowers.

The second question I get is, “Can you really protect the people of the town when you’re carrying around a small, mobile garden?” Of course. Besides that mud piece about me pulling my spade on an assailant instead of my…

It had been weird since the church had installed the coin-operated doors.

First, it was the remembering to bring quarters with us on Sunday morning. I hadn’t needed rolls of quarters since I was doing laundry in college, I had almost forgotten how to obtain them. I mean, even parking meters take credit cards these days. I guess swiping a credit card might be a little crude for the circumstance; the quarters definitely had a sort of “bake sale donation” feel to them. If you were running late, forgot your change, you’d have to strike up conversation with someone to…

Andrew had been trying all day to get hot nudes in his inbox.

“Maybe I’ll tell her I would choke her,” he said to himself aloud, as he browsed a gallery of tattooed girls. “Tattooed girls like rough stuff, right?” he asked the woman to his left. The other patrons of the library were beginning to feel uncomfortable.

As Andrew typed out his message to xXButterfly_with_Broken_WingsXx, a library administrator tapped him on the shoulder.

“Sir, we don’t allow the viewing of pornographic material at the library.”

“This isn’t pornography, it’s art!” Andrew exclaimed, pointing to the bleached asshole of a…

Is it bad that I really want him to be impressed?
I feel silly even writing it, but Jason is already very special to me.

2/22/13

Dear Diary,

Though the smell is probably going to give me away at this point, I think the payoff will be totally worth it — I’m giving Jason the best surprise party ever.

He isn’t going to be here for another hour but I’ve already scattered the broken glass at the base of the doorframe in anticipation — and though the virgin’s blood is getting sticky and gross on the back of my neck…