Procrastinating Life
It’s been years since I’ve actually been somewhat happy about Tomorrow. Starting a new day was something I pushed off doing for maybe the last decade-plus, and I can’t believe it took me this long to come back around. It’s a big step for me, personally, just to admit to this. No pressure, right?
Most of us procrastinate our daily to-do lists, a project, chores around the apartment, seeing friends/family/parents. I was procrastinating life itself. The whole thing.
And if you’re a habitual procrastinator like me and understand the load of anxiety that comes back to bite your ass after putting things off for too long, then you can probably imagine how I felt after putting off all of it.
STRESSED TO THE MAX.
You’ve seen a boiling pot overflow with water when the burner was too hot. You’ve heard a balloon pop if it was given too much air. You’ve probably felt an old rubber band snap when you stretched it too far, catching you in the hand at times.
That was me. The heat. The pressure. I was stretched. And I didn’t do anything about it. Worse, I spoke to nobody about all of this. Work, family life, relationships, personal struggles. It was all too much. And it made me resent living. Heavy but true.
Anxiety is the DEVIL. (Read that in your best Mama Boucher voice.)
Even with the resurgence in mental health awareness these last few years, we still don’t give Anxiety enough credit for how much it disrupts our lives. It’s a snowball slowly rolling down a hill. At times when you’re stressed, you can shrug it away, sleep it away, drink it away. You move on and forget.
Other times, it simmers for a while and eventually boils up and comes out in an argument with a gf/bf, spouse, friend or family member. You get overly angry or defensive and aren’t sure why. You were just fine a few minutes ago. You’re having trouble controlling your emotions. Your mental state is now in flux. THAT is anxiety.
Anxiety breeds fear. Not in the short run but in the long run. You barely notice it at first, then it pops like a balloon, snaps like a rubber band.
You’re near-suddenly avoiding going out with friends when you’ve always done that on weekends. You’re over-thinking on projects at work when you used to breeze through those and hit deadlines with ease. You’re staying in bed all day. You’re staying up late because you‘re doing something the next day you don’t want to do. These actions are driven by subconscious fears, and Anxiety is in the driver seat.
Only recently did I realize that I’ve had anxiety for years. I was socially anxious in high school, and it started boiling in my freshman year of college. OK, I’ll quit with the metaphors, but things went south very quickly. Even for college, I was drinking too much and partaking in a bit of -ahem- substances… too often. And that continued for years. Looking back, I was pushing down my anxieties and fears and distracting myself without confronting these things head-on.
Can’t forget to mention, the last couple years have been challenging for me as well. And I know… Same old COVID story. Same old Corona comments. Pandemic prose. Virus voice-over. Wuhan worries — OK we get it. Same can be said for everyone on this giant space rock. We all went through our fair share of difficulties. But these last two trips around the sun have been extremely important as well. Personally, I’ve made a lot of changes in my life, strangely most of those coming right before this pandemic reared its ugly head.
I started running. I’m a “runner.” Still makes me want to vomit saying it, but I’m coming around to being proud of the fact. It’s a part of me now, a co-identity. Couldn’t do two miles to save my life just two years ago, and I’m now training for the Broad Street Run (10mi) happening May 1st. It’s mostly downhill though, they say, so I’ll try to stay humble post-finish line.
I’m reading… A LOT. My light goal for 2022 was 10 books, and I’ve just finished five by the end of March. That’s more than I’ve read in my life total up to this point, not counting SparkNotes (I won’t judge if you do though). I absolutely love it. Mostly non-fiction: I like learning and absorbing facts, history, self-help tips, anything I can take and apply to my life right now. Atomic Habits was a fantastic book, pick it up, STAT. Range is another good one. Sapiens too, for you history geeks, very humbling.
I’ve learned that I love writing. And you’re sitting here reading it, right now. I hope. Wait, are you watching the new season of Love Is Blind? C’mon, really? I hate millennials, always multi-devicing. So, anyway, I think I want to be a writer, in some fashion. I’m usually a big talker. Those who know me, IYKYK. I talk too much and don’t mind being the center of attention. Sue me. But writing has been a great way to get my voice out there and hear from others as well, read what others are saying, engage with other humans — it’s been a lonely pandemic, and we all need to get back to connecting, listening, vibing. Btw I loved LIB season 2 but sad for my guy Salvador. I’m a lover at heart too, buddy, keep being you.
So now I go to bed every night (or most) looking forward to the next morning when I wake up around 7–730 to start my day. Oh, I’m also a morning person now. GASP. 32 years came quick. My body just wakes me up, no f*cks given, no sleeping in. I’m also starting to tell more dad jokes… No idea. But that’s been the biggest thing, honestly, just waking up earlier. I love the quiet. I don’t mind hearing the birds chirp anymore. They can take it down a notch, but it ain’t the worst.
The AM is when I can have some time to think, reflect and really just pause before life wakes up too. I’ve been cutting down heavily on Social apps, avoiding using my phone for the first 30min or hour of the day. Of course, Lexapro 20mg goes a long way too, kudos to Big Pharma on that one. All of these things together have given me an extra few breaths that have calmed my anxiety. It’s the little things, but they compound into something BIG.
I really do encourage everyone to take some time to stop & think, at least once a day. It’s a lot easier to start there versus telling yourself to “Relax!” all the time whenever you get worked up. That’s not the magic word. Before you can relax, you just need to pause. You’re on auto-pilot. You’re in monkey brain mode. Just take a breather. Vent to somebody, maybe talk to your therapist.
Go for a walk.
I’m Nick — I’m a Philly native, born & bred, and I’m no writer… Though, I’m starting to realize I love writing, and it’s honestly been the best therapy for me these last six months or so. I’m going to start churning out a lot more content in the days, weeks, months and (hopefully) years to come, so feel free to tag along and come back for more if you like what you read or maybe laughed at my dumb humor once or twice.
I’m going to switch up topics quite frequently too because 1) I’m a scatterbrain, and 2) I get bored too quickly to stay on the same content for long. Hopefully, that works out in your favor too… Keeps things fresh.
Give me a follow here or on the tweets too. Would love to hear any thoughts or feedback you have. I’m just here learning to be human and grow.
