Every Televised Presidential Debate Summarized

The 2020 presidential debates are sure to be absurd and apocalyptic; but don’t over-romanticize the six decades of reality TV that led us to this dumpster fire.

If you’re looking for a perfect cocktail of existential dread and emotional deception, American presidential debates are definitely the show for you.

And boy do we have a show this year! Pandemic? Recession? Last minute Supreme Court controversy? Check, check and C-H-E-C-K.

Most of the people I know tell me these debates used to be classier, or at the very least a little more grounded in actual “issues.”

I’m not so sure about that. So, I decided to do what we all do when we‘re curious about something — fight about it on social media!

Just kidding. Instead I did some basic Google research and made a list for you. And to make it less boring, I wrote out each debate like a Netflix episode description.

So, here you go — six decades of debate in 14 binge-worthy episodes.

1. 1956: The Proto Debate — President Eisenhower and challenger Adlai Stevenson select two prominent women to debate on their behalf. Neither woman would have been permitted to vote a few decades prior. Either would have made a fine President in their own right.
2. 1960: The OG Debate — Richard Nixon shows up looking “super Nixony,” while JFK shines bright like a diamond. Meanwhile, Kennedy and his friends do some totally wholesome “voter outreach” in Illinois.
3. 1964–1972: Wait, No Debates? (double-length episode) — With Nixon in exile, Republicans tap Barry Goldwater in ’64. He shuns debate, but his platform goes on to shape the future of the party and offers a glimpse at the Reagan Revolution. By ’68 the nation is nearly torn apart at the seams from protest and political assassination. Nixon ends up the last man standing (after kinda, sorta committing treason) and has no interest in a TV repeat. In ’72 Nixon has zero desire to debate his invasion of Cambodia or the execution of Ohio college students. He still wins in a landslide.
4. 1976: The Birth of the Gaffe — Gerald Ford tries to make a point about communist aggression in Eastern Europe. America is still really mad at him for pardoning Nixon and falls for a peanut farmer instead.
5. 1980: There you go Again — Ronald Reagan gets his big moment. Meanwhile, someone named “Schmonald Schmeagan” steals all of Jimmy Carter’s debate prep and tries to undermine his ongoing hostage negotiations with Iran to throw the election to the GOP.
6. 1984: Youth and Inexperience — Reagan stumbles briefly, then flexes all over Walter Mondale while silencing the haters who say he has Alzheimer’s. He later dies of Alzheimer’s.
7. 1988: Kitty Dukakis Died for your Sins — Michael Dukakis makes a boo-boo. Democrats suddenly wonder what Jesse Jackson would have done if a debate moderator had talked *ish about his wife.
8. 1992: What Time is it? — George Bush gets very bored while taking shrapnel for his broken tax promises. Ross Perot trolls voters by saying three things that make sense, then turning into a space alien. Their loss is Bill Clinton’s gain.
9. 1996: The Triangulation Offense — Bob Dole shows up a few decades too late. Ross Perot gets boxed out. Bill Clinton compromises his way to a second term … and a scandal waiting to happen.
10. 2000: The Big Harrumph — America has fun pretending there’s no difference between George W. Bush and Al Gore. Later, Gore has a sighing attack and the nation hangs with Chad.
11. 2004: Somebody Forgets Poland — George Bush counts his allies. John Kerry reminds us he served in Vietnam. America finds out what Swift Boating means, literally and figuratively.
12. 2008: The Ballad of Joe the Plumber — John McCain reminds Americans why they probably should have picked him in 2000 as he fights an uphill battle against history. He ends up on stage with Sarah Palin and a weird guy from Ohio.
13. 2012: Sleepy O and the Case of the Controversial Binders — Barack Obama shocks supporters when he takes a massive L in his first reelection debate. Later, the nation learns where Mitt Romney really keeps all his women.
14. 2016: The One with all the Emails — A woman who sometimes lies and inspires unique political hatred takes on a man who has entire websites devoted to his antagonistic relationship with the truth. Alternate Title: The Rise & Fall of Ken Bone

There you have it.

I’ll leave you to make your own conclusions about the level of “class” on display here; but I’ve decided these things have always been a mess. They’ve certainly never been sophisticated discussions about nuanced political issues.

Believe it or not, it was actually worse before television, when the idea of “direct debate” was still considered gauche and very few people had ever seen their candidates’ faces, let alone heard them speak.

Take the famous 1800 election (yes, the one they sing about in “Hamilton”), where Thomas Jefferson took on his longtime frenemy John Adams.

Adams’ minions kicked things off with this subtle warning about a potential Jeffersonian presidency.

“Murder, robbery, rape, adultery, and incest will be openly taught and practiced, the air will be rent with the cries of the distressed, the soil will be soaked with blood, and the nation black with crimes.”

Not to be outdone, Jefferson’s gang retorted with a conspiracy theory that would make QAnon blush today, claiming Adams was a traitor who planned to betray the nation by marrying off one of his sons to a daughter of the English King, siring a new American Royal Dynasty.

To these allegations, Adams’ camp offered a simple rebuttal — Thomas Jefferson hates God and America.

Very classy, fellas.

Like it or not this is the slippery, slanderous slope our Presidential politics have always rested upon. Compressed together, it’s very easy to see all the pandering and fear-mongering and manipulation for what it really is.

Unfortunately, it’s a little harder to figure out what’s real and what’s contrived when we’re living in the actual moment.

Anyway, enjoy the show. And remember — it’s probably going to be fine.