I Figured Out Relationships

I finally figured out why all my past relationships failed. For years, I beat myself up. I told myself I was worthless. I believed I was crazy or emotionally unstable or a bitch because that’s what my exes said I was.

I’ve been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for three years. He’s never called me crazy. He’s never called me a bitch. He’s never insulted me or put me down at all.

I kept trying to understand what is the difference between my current relationship versus all of my past ones. Was it the foundation? Was it my behaviour? Or was it something else?

Let’s start with the foundation. I met my current partner on OkCupid. We got to know each other mostly behind computer screens. However, eventually you need to bring the online chemistry offline. As a millennial, online dating wasn’t a bit deal since I usually communicate via text.

One of the things that I did differently in the beginning was that I laid down my rules by the second date. I told him, ‘the only thing I want from you is respect. You disrespect me I’m gone and I’m never looking back. In return, I’ll respect your ideas and thoughts. If you ever disagree with me, I’d like to talk it out calmly like adults so we can both grow and learn together. I won’t force you to believe what I do but I expect you to respect me enough to allow me to have my own beliefs.’

This expectations conversation has actually been the most significant part of our relationship. People always say ‘all couples fight.’ Corey and I don’t. Ever. Three years in, and still no fights. We disagree at times or have different perspectives on how to deal with a situation but we always talk it out. No screaming. No slamming doors. No drama.

This is weird. All of my past relationships had blow out fights. Was it that I was suddenly mature? Was it that our foundation was strong? Was it that I was finally sick and tired of the drama? Probably not. I still get mad and yell every now and then but never at Corey.

I dug deeper.

Here’s an analogy. Some people are Coca Cola, some people are Mentos. Separately, you might enjoy Coca Cola and Mentos equally. However, when you put a Mentos in a bottle of Coca Cola it’s explosive and messy.

I wasn’t the problem in every relationship. My exes also weren’t the problem. Separately, we’re both amazing people. We’re both loved. However, when you put our personalities together it’s explosive and messy.

Two great people can be in a relationship together and bring out the worst in each other. It’s not the person’s character that’s the problem. It’s the personality combination that causes the chaos.

Corey and I aren’t the same person. We have our differences. However, we’re more similar than we are different. We both work in ecommerce. We both enjoy relaxing the same way. We’re both workaholics. We’re both entrepreneurs. We both find the same things funny. We live similar lifestyles. Our similarities bring us together, our differences keep us interested.

It is possible to be in a healthy relationship without fights. You can have that drama free relationship. You don’t need to walk on eggshells. You can let your guard down. But if you’re a Mentos, stay away from Coca Cola.