Not Really A Fan of Myself. Not love, but reconciliation.

I’m a type of person who gets mental breakdowns on a monthly basis. And after every breakdown, I tend to focus on my share of mistakes and flaws, trying to improve myself and moving forward. I put all my energy to it so that I won’t do the same mistakes again. It is my greatest fear: repetition.

I don’t believe in regrets, I think I’m responsible of everything that ever happened to me, one way or another, as a result of a certain choice. Blaming others, or feeding on hate against others is just a waste of time and pose threat only to myself. That won’t get me moving forward.

Talking about flaws, I’m obssessed with my flaws. Not because I’m perfectionist, but because I like to investigate the reason behind. I do not try to destroy or hide them, but simply just reconciliating with them. Because every mental breakdown I came to the realization that I am full of flaws and mistakes which lead me to my total destruction, sweeping every single thing that I hold dear.

So I thought.

But that was not the case really. As I investigated my flaws and reasons behind, I always thought I was somehow solution oriented, as if I could eliminate my flaws. At this point please let me warn you about something: my misunderstanding on this topic did not resolve as follows “I’m just a humanbeing”, or “it’s ok to have flaws”, or “everybody makes mistakes.” No. This is not about loving myself (spoilers!), on the contrary, accepting the fact that I do not love myself.

Because the truth is, I don’t love myself. Loving myself aside, I don’t even like myself. I can only reconcile. I can listen to myself, hear my inner self’s defense against all the misdeeds he did. I can detect my flaws, investigate them, the I find the most suitable ways to deal with them.

I know this might sound rather bold and harsh, since we are all taught to love ourselves first in order to love others and be loved. Or we need to love ourself first in order for others to love us back. What a bullshit really.

There’s no way for me to proof whether these arguments are correct/false, but let me tell you first: What else to find out about yourself if you totally embrace yourself once for all?

Not looking for an answer, just sending this cosmic question to the void.