My Battle Cry

I trusted him to love me, I trusted my friends to care, now neither are fucking there. What did I do to deserve this? I’m nice to everyone, and yet now I have no one… Why me? Why the nice girl? Why is it always me who gets stabbed in the back and thrown to the side? My own father didn’t even want me, he wanted my mom to abort me. So, why now am I still here if no one wants me around? Now I sit here crying to Broadside, Asking Alexandria, A Day to Remember, All Time Low, The Ready Set and 30H!3. Like “the good worthless fugly ginger emo kid” that I am. I am sorry I’m shy and like to poke fun at people, but when everyone else does it it to me, I have no right to be offended. What the hell? If I do what other do to me they get defensive and angry. I hate myself because I have to be a horrid person if everyone even my own parents and the people who are supposed to protect me, don’t want me. I finally dated someone and opened up and got serious and I got crushed. I treat people like the world and in return even the people who promise to not do it, they come and crush me JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! WTF? I am good hearted. “No one will love you like I did, will touch you like I did, will fuck you like I did, so go on and wear that scarlet letter.” Like for real that quote from Set It Off’s The Hunting, speaks to me more than anything ever has before. I try so hard to be normal and to make people happy, but everyone hates me. When I cry out for attention and love everyone turns their face and is nowhere to be found. I’m so pathetic that I can’t have someone stay in my life longer than a year or two. I loved someone, JUST ONCE I OPENED UP AND TRULY LOVED SOMEONE! I am not even worth his time anymore, the way he’s treating me right now reminds me of how my dad treats me. He says he doesn’t know how he feels about me, check, he says he doesn’t know if he loves me or misses me or even wants to see my face, check, he left me when I needed him most, check. But I know he’s not my father in my generation, he’s a loving person who’s stressed out. Who my family scared away JUST LIKE THEY DO WITH EVERYONE ELSE! Because I am not worth fighting for. They know it and they know they can push people away, they take pleasure in doing it, especially Zeke. It’s like they have the standards for me and also like seeing me trapped. I don’t want to give up on him, but I feel like he doesn’t want me and never truly cared. Just like everyone else, I’m not worth enough to fight for. I feel so worthless all time and I just want to be valued, to be cared for, just once, I want someone to fight for me. Someone to not leave me and throw me away. No one pays attention to my online diary. No one cares about me enough to even notice it exists. Because I’m always invisible. No matter how much I cry out and beg and plead to not be ignored. I’m always thrown away like trash. I work so hard. I love so much and care so much, and everyone is like you’re not worth my time. Hell when I used to try to kill myself I couldn’t even do that right! So, now cutting etc. , isn’t even bothered with. I just write and write and write. No one reads it, no one cares what’s wrong, they just think about themselves, when I think of everyone else first. I have friends and family who read all the writings on this blog and don’t even know it’s me. I am Allys Haines. I am CrystalBlues, I am the Kita The Kat, I am the one people who’s writing people share all the time on Tumblr. Yet, I can’t get the people I know personally to pay attention to me in real life. This is my battle cry. I wonder who’s actually going to hear it, and be there for me. I bet you, I’m still alone.