Powerball (Standup Comedy Monologue)

There is an old Russian joke.

Someone calls to a radio station,

Is it true that Rabinovitch won one million in a lottery?

True. But it was Ivanov, not Rabinovitch. And one thousand, not a million. And he didn’t win, he lost.

I didn’t buy a Powerball ticket two weeks ago. Because I believe everything happens for a reason.

That’s how the Murphy’s Law works. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

If you own a bar and want to attract LGBT community by placing a rainbow flag, trust me: your first customers will be a group of 50-year-old Texans.

If you post a naked selfie on Instagram, you will get likes from your mom, aunt, and even 92-year old grandmother but the girl you like.

When I buy a lottery ticket and hope to win a bunch of money, it never happens. It’s a sure thing. Like the fact that Donald Trump colors his hair.

The only thing that still confuses me, sooner or later someone’s going to get this money. I don’t wanna see this moment. I don’t wanna look at his happy face and then see mine in a mirror. Mine would remind me Grinch. And not at that exciting moment when he steals Christmas.

Yes, I don’t want to get jealous. I don’t want to get jealous once again. Because I do it too often. Just — let’s say — when realize that you neighbor’s wifi network is named Mama Said to Knock You Out and mine is just 6b7C44Wm.

And yeah, the jackpot! I can’t even say jackpot amount with straight face. One billion five hundred eight… Damn! It’s too long.

I can’t imagine someone getting this amount. It’s a billion! To keep it, he must open a bank, not just an account.

What could I do with this money?

I could go to a one-dollar store, buy a lighter and request three thousand eight hundred for a cashback.

I could finally start tipping cab drivers.

I could even stop using 30-day trials on the Internet.

One billion!

If you win it, you can watch GEICO commercials as a comedy show. Why the hell you need to save 15 percent on car insurance?

One billion!

If you win it, you can set your alarm clock on 7am, then wake up and realize, “You don’t have to go to that fucking job!”

Isn’t it great?

I will probably buy the next Powerball ticket. I don’t want to get jealous while seeing my neighbor wins it. His wifi name is way cooler than mine. I don’t want him to be better at anything else.