Under My Skin …

Out of all the topics I could come up with, pet peeves screamed my name. I think there’s nothing more bonding than mutual dislikes! The first half — people types, second: social no-no’s. Without further adieu …

The “Ramrod”:

Oh, you know him … otherwise know as the ‘ol car salesman — this friend (ahem — acquaintance) pitches you their life story straight outta the first hello. You’re standin there wondering, “Don’t humans need oxygen to survive? Can she NOT see the blank look I’ve got plastered all over me??” Nope. His mouth is as big as the dictionary, and you are the equivalent of a cardboard cutout.

The “Amnesiac”:

Yep — this is the girl you wish would preface their “short” story with “Stop me if I’ve already said this.” Everyone inwardly groans when that movie trailer narration pops out of their mouth: “Oh! This one time,” or “Did you know that …” You just want to shake ‘em and scream “Yes! This is the tenth time you’ve told me! And if I hear it again, your mouth is going to be sent packing!!”

The “Bored-as-Heck”:

Of course, we all know this — “Enough about me … tell me how you’re doing?” — is the audible equivalent of “I know it’ll make me look bad if I don’t take turns, so I’m just going to throw the “I Don’t Care One Bit about What You’re Going to Say and Will be Sure to Look Entirely Bored to the Point of Agony While Feasting on My iPhone.” Seriously … this should be a social crime.

The “Turtle” (actually, “The Snail”):

This … is … the … person … who … can’t, for one freakin’ minute, talk within the speed of a normal person!! Can I get the universal conversation remote over here, please?! As sweet and genuine as this person usually is, you lose all focus about what the heck they were sharing four hours ago and find yourself growing rageful and longing for the bathroom!

The “So Sarcastic, I’m Serious”:

Actually, this type is no joke (wait, is it?). You find yourself walking away feeling confused and stupider than flubbing the speech for finals. Serious doubts about your sanity and level of coolness just sent you into major social depression. Wait! How on earth can that creature actually live in a universe with other human beings?? Maybe they had Martian parents who ate only a diet of creepy psycho sitcoms …

The “20 Years Young”:

This person has serious time travel issues! They can inevitably be found loudly jesting, slouching, and making awkward jokes around humans who must definitely be their grandkids. We stare, in a feeble attempt to either normalize them or flee their painful, geeky aura. At some point, those birthday candles might wake them up.

The “Hyena”:

Okay, so I’m glad you’re having a great time … so was I, until your laugh killed the vibe! When have we not been at a party or had class with that one person (male or female!) who brought a fog horn in their throat? You could actually mute them and just watch their adam’s apple jiggle. And are they not almost always laughing more than any human should? It’s like they permanently inhaled a tank of laughing gas.

The “Pop Rocks”:

You swear they must be on something … their mouth could power a nuclear plant. And you very quickly realize answers are not in their vocabulary. Awesome thing is, you get to eat all your dinner without asking one question! Just don’t pick them as a movie buddy …

The “Walking Dead”:

Is it just me, or does it seem the government steals the leftover cast? I shouldn’t need Prozac after visiting the DMV. If it wants us to stop hating, maybe they could do a little work in the customer service department.

The “Jabberwockies”:

And yes, nothing quite makes my day like getting a degree in ESL, when trying to fix my computer!! Hats off to you for learning a new language … oh, wait — that’s a card with prompts? … Never mind. I be pleased to have me a nice day, too.

The Humblebrag:

Have I said enough?? Uhh! I get so tired of having to put forth such awesomeness!

The “Savior”:

Wow. What would we do without your almighty wisdom? I mean — shut the front door! If ego actually swelled, there’d be a dangerous number of human air balloons to count.

Social Peeves:

The “Competition”:

You’re either the dumbest person in the world, or you need some serious social IQ! — Do I need to engrave “DO NOT TALK” on my earbuds and phone with flashing lights and sirens?? (Overkill? I think not!) Another type would be Mr. “Broadcaster,” due to his need to let everyone within twenty miles know about his important phone conversation … especially the one wearing the bluetooth.

The “Violator”:

So I’ve just seen the whites of your eyeballs and now we’re crushed in an awkward embrace??!! Can I get a “Hella” for personal space! Obviously, you must be the only person on planet earth who didn’t receive the message: Hugging is a social badge of honor for “We’re Netflix Level,” not you may now squeeze my life out two seconds after meeting.

The “Tramp”:

Wait … you didn’t receive my invitation? Oh, maybe because there wasn’t one!— actually, I was watching Netflix in my grungy PJ’s, and you’re interrupting “me” time. Yep— sadly, some human creatures still don’t accept the art of messaging.

The “Hovercraft”:

Seriously, some people don’t have a life! … well, not their own, anyway. Look, I’m flattered my presence is so addicting, but it’s not mutual! In fact, if you’d just step away from FB and your phone for two seconds, maybe you’d actually keep some friends.

The “PB & J’s”:

Yes, yes - we all love love. But you know what I don’t love? — two human animals all up in each other’s bidness every waking (and sleeping) hour! Ah, yeah — think I’ll take a rain (or sun — or any weather, for that matter) check on that one …

The “F-Bombers”:

No, this isn’t some new military aircraft … it’s the missiles … flying outta your mouth! Do you really think anyone can hear (or respect) you beyond all that trash flappin in da breeze??

The “Wardrobe Limbo”:

Think we’ll all be chanting “How low can it go?” when face to face with those extra-low rise cut-offs (more like gravity weights) or rolling hills with enough cleavage to burn eyes? Uh, yeah — I go on social outings to relax … not play dodge-ball with my eyes.

The “Siren”:

Remember those Disney scenes where the newborn prince or princess was cooing and bringing smiles and joy to all who saw them? Well, Wal-Mart (or any open shopping spaces — or planes — for that matter) will quickly destroy that pristine vision. And I’m not referring to the parents who are actually trying to do something. You know who you are.

The “Illiterate”:

Oh, boy — don’t even get me started on this one. What, you ask? Only the most hateful, illegal social behavior in the history of EVER!! That guy who snuck in the “Express” lane with forty! items in his cart … or (gasp!) that family standing in the “Fast Pass” at Disney World. And this is when I gather the social police …

The “Binoculars”:

Why is it that no matter where you go, there’s always that one person who decides to make you feel uncomfortable by visually raping you with their magnetic, soul-searching stare? I’ve always been convinced they were hired by the CSI. Really?? — is it possible to have zero self-respect? Apparently it is.

The Catcaller:

This is just unacceptable. Not only does this person appear vulgar and threatening, they are the most annoying attention-seeker there is. There exists a “verbal space” around each and every person — do not violate!!

The “Dr. Doolittle”:

At the top of my list but something very rarely addressed is the subject of public pet behavior. Just because you shower your love on this little creature doesn’t mean everyone feels the same. It’s a fact: some of us are not pet lovers (gasp)! Accidentally stepping into a special treasure or listening to a concerto from your angel at 5 a.m. is not okay.

The “Magnets”:

Seriously. I will never understand why any company still uses cold calling or attacking unwary victims with a product very few will ever buy! And no — forced online ads are just unacceptable.

The “Party Queen”:

Why is it legal for stone drunk zombies to enter society? It shouldn’t just be “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk,” but “Friends Don’t Let Friends Leave the Building Drunk.” Nobody wants this spectacle at Taco Bell or Walmart during ungodly hours.

And that’s a wrap! Feels good to have purged that from my dark soul. Hope these social pet peeves were relatable. If you have any others, please comment! Happy writing!

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