The Need to Lie.
Today, like I used to do in 2011 till about late 2013, I took to my Twitter to share the results of a brief moment of introspection and reflection. I dropped little vague nuggets about how the machinery of human relation needs the oil of white lies and untold truths to run smoothly. I reached this conclusion by taking a brief look at the happenings of most of 2016 and how I moved from having a sister from another mother to flailing and receding into a shell that never fully formed but has now become my home.
After the debacle of 2016- where I repeatedly hurt so terribly the most important person to me and destroyed my friendship of three years- I began to notice, in movies and in real life, how people lie to each other for different reasons. In the manner that you begin to see a particular type of car everywhere after your family member buys one, I started to see that people everywhere lie to the ones they love to save them from the pain of the truth.
Bad things happen. As we grow, we make mistakes and sometimes they create an ugly chain reaction. Often times, we can foresee the ripple effects of our actions and we are wise enough to make better choices but sometimes we are not and other times, we realize a few seconds too late. Upon making a horrible mistake with obviously far-reaching consequences, what happens? Do you confess? Do you file it under “shit happens, nobody has to know” and move on like it never happened?
I chose to follow the path of non-disclosure but you see, I’m fickle. I overthink and I’m still finding myself. It haunted me. Every time she accepted me wholly, I felt like a liar. Every time she hurt me, it felt like leverage. Eventually, I couldn’t. I convinced myself that my relationship with her was the only thing that was true in my life and I did not want it to be based on a lie and I would damn the consequences and spill.
I confessed after three years and everything came crashing down. Over time, it began to seem to me like I’d been missing a key point all through and had I noticed or learnt earlier, I might have saved us both the ugly events that followed my confession. I think of this now because in a group discussion, I suggested “Tell someone” and I was told to think of the ripple effect and blackmail was a better suggestion even.
To be honest, I don’t know anything. I don’t know when to lie or how to do it properly. I still believe in honesty as being the best policy ( .__.) but it looks to me like growing up means becoming sensitive and thinking about other people’s feelings and sometimes this might mean keeping bitter truths to yourself.
What do you think?
