These Are My Confessions

I feel like a Catholic school girl, slowly making my way to the small confession chamber where I divulge all my inner trepidations about life. Things could go terribly wrong. Or everything could turn out just as picture perfect as I imagined it. But suddenly my imagination is trumped by the voice inside my head that steadily reminds me, on a daily basis — “Things could go terribly wrong”. It’s the same soft echo, swishing swiftly to the forefront of my mind — like an alarm clock it wakes me, sometimes abruptly and other times gently but the same message is delivered to the doorstep of my consciousness every time — “Things could go terribly wrong.”

95% of the time — the few moments we muster up the courage to step outside of our comfort zone, things turn out just right don’t they? It wasn’t so bad after all was it? Getting up and talking in front of a room full of people — yes your heart may have thumped and raced like a marathon runner but you survived! Yet it doesn’t matter that we conquered fear #1 …there are still a million more to get through. Just like a muscle — some of us do our best to exercise our courage all in hopes that one day we will wake up without the alarm clock of doubt ticking through our heads.

FEAR.

I have probably blogged about the topic one too many times yet every time I share my thoughts or ask the question, “What are your biggest fears?” I am inundated with a long thread of confessions. I promised to bare my soul if you promised to let me inside first. I haven’t forgotten! Yes, I too have fears and they are probably similar to yours. But reading through some of your comments made me realize more than ever how much WE allow fear to rule our lives and stop us from accomplishing the things we day dream about the most.

“I fear getting old,” says Kenny.

“My biggest fear is that I won’t get the chance to be a mommy. It’s been our biggest struggle,”
says Tiffany.

“Marriage…and I am married,” confesses Patricia.

“Fear of failure,” says Timothy.

“I have a huge fear of insects and heights,” says Kristine.

“Mediocrity!” exclaims Ryan.

From spiders to the loss of loved ones, people are scared of almost everything. No matter how big or small it may seem to you and me — these are just some of the things that keep them holed up inside, clenching to what makes them feel comfortable.

There are so many fears I have bouldered through in life …yet there are many more I have yet to conquer.

I once feared LOVE. Scared more of getting hurt than the reward of love.
I feared vulnerability, scared I would be exposed for who I really am — human.
I feared judgement — afraid of what people would think of the decisions I have made in my life.

Over time my fears have evolved from years of being entrenched in the news world. Death, being robbed (Sometimes I replay stories of murder and robberies — the ones I read to many of you still haunt me, asking myself how did they end up in the headlines and what’s not to say it will happen to me?), public speaking believe or not (every time I’m asked to speak, I feel a
strong sense of dread. Not because I don’t enjoy it — I feel like I have something to say, but scared I will pass out from nervousness and make a fool of myself.), not being able to have a family (why is this baby stuff taking so long?), losing a loved one (my parents are getting older and my heart now belongs to a man I can’t fathom living life without) — the list is most likely eerily similar to yours.

So how do I move past what scares me the most?

I don’t dwell. I push forward, unwavering — focusing on the strong desire to contribute something bigger to the world than just myself. I try to remember that this thing called life isn’t just about me, myself and I. Because when I center my decisions around MYSELF, my pent up fears begin to emerge — with a vengeance. MY (me) Self (me) — there are just too many me’s there. Selfishness is a beautiful thing, yes it is …but in the case of conquering what scares us the most, I find that when I take the focus off of ME …I can find solace in helping others.

Empowering others gives us meaning. And when we have purpose — nothing, not even fear can stop us.

I think admitting it (F.E.A.R.) to yourself and others is half the battle. And when you question
what yoU (what me? yes yoU!) have to offer this world, remember the wise words of Mother Teresa “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create
many ripples.”


Originally published at www.ninevehdinha.com.