personal_05

My heart is broken. I think. Or that’s maybe the best (or simplest) way to describe what’s happening to me lately. It happened before, but this is probably the most painful broken heart of them all. It’s always been an unrequited “love”. I really am good at that. And really bad at everything else. What I know is that I’m in pain and I want to be free of it. I tend to start hating myself for needing or wanting this person who doesn’t need me. Or doesn’t want me. Or doesn’t care. I don’t want to care anymore. I want to stop thinking about him. Want to stop crying. Sometimes I’m so sad and it’s so painful I wish I’d forget and erase everything. Even those nice and warm memories. Sometimes I’m unkind to myself. Sometimes I feel like finally telling about my feelings. About having them. To that person. I can’t. But why? Is it because I don’t want to hurt him, don’t want to be emotionally blackmail him? I’d despise myself. Or is it because I’m afraid of simply being rejected (hi, unrequited love)? Because I’m a coward. I’m ready to be happy for the person even if there’s no place for me in their life anymore. I truly am. It would hurt me greatly but time would heal it and it would be an hones thing from me. Is this what love is? Being happy for someone although you’re in a horrible pain because you’re not the one on his side? I’m a silly girl. I know nothing about this universe which only couples can enter. Sometimes I pity myself. I have so much in life, good things, people I love, cherished family members. Yet I still seek this “soulmate”, this person as if it would make me whole. Can’t even explain. I don’t know what I want from this, what I expect. I just know that I have those feelings and that I can leave them to myself once again. I failed myself again. I hurt myself again. And all I have left are my tears and the pain inside. It will pass. In time. It always does. I’m strong. This time it’ll probably take longer. What I’m really afraid of is that it will always be for me as it goes in that Smiths songs. Never Had No One Ever. That’s my reality. I wish it wouldn’t be like that forever. But I’m afraid I’ll always be afraid and will ruin my chances by myself. And will blame myself forever.