Have you ever found yourself staying in a less-than-ideal relationship out of fear of loneliness? I did. And, the fix for that is really quite simple: self-assurance. Whatever doubts I had about myself were easily dispelled because I control the person I am and become. But, that’s not what this article is about. No, it’s about the problem I am now left with after having found my confidence.
To Leave Or Stay Anyway
Why am I still in this less-than-ideal relationship? If I’m not afraid to be alone, why don’t I leave to find someone better?
Am I too lazy to resolve the inevitable complications that would arise from a breakup?
Perhaps, I’ve lost faith in other people and myself and believe that any new relationships would be a needless restart from scratch?
Or, maybe, I do love her? This last possibility I find hardest to believe, yet the most compelling. This is why I’ve decided to take a deep dive into the introspective analysis of this possibility.
Outside Physical Attraction in a Loving Relationship
I was struck, recently, by this article, on how to tell if you are giving yourself to the right person. I say “person” despite the fact that the article talks about being with the right “man” because the article can be read from the perspective of either sex and still hold water.
It shouldn’t matter to either party in a healthy, loving, relationship what the other looks like, how much they earn, whether or not they want to have sex before or after marriage, or whether they want to get married at all…but, I digress. It’s a good article, give it a read.
Anyway, the problem is, I cannot deny the fact that the person I am with is not as physically attractive as I would like. She is adequate, and we got together at a time in my life when “adequate” was sufficient, especially since I fell for all the other things that make her incredible
None of that has changed. In fact, she’s gotten even more attractive. Yet, I cannot help but feel an aesthetic attraction to other women.
Attraction, by itself, is not unfaithfulness.
I’m reminded of the popular meme with the man visibly turning away from his partner to look at another woman. I am not like that. I don’t stare. I don’t need to. In fact, that is part of my problem; I am highly perceptive, so whether or not I stare becomes immaterial because I know the object of attraction is there.
Attraction, by itself, is not unfaithfulness.
There is nothing I can do about my perception of the world; except, perhaps, to strap on blinders as one would do to a racehorse. Even then, I’d still have some ability to perceive the world around me, so it wouldn’t even really address the issue.
Being The Right Person
I’m trying to get at my experience that because I feel an attraction to others, my ability to feel the same attraction toward my significant other has become impaired.
I know I’d prefer that my girlfriend looked like that cute stranger I saw earlier, but she doesn’t. So, what am I left to do? Leave? Rewire my d*mn brain?
I have, for the most part, opted for the latter. Which is how I discovered asexuality.
You see, in order to preserve the ability for me to say that I love my significant other— despite the fact that all physical desire has evaporated —I decided it would be best to pretend that I feel no physical desire for anyone at all.
This conclusion makes a lot of rational sense. It relieves me of any feelings of bitterness from my decision to settle for my partner, it makes it so that I appear aloof and unconcerned with the opinion of others hence more outwardly attractive, and it helps me to deal with the annoying biological quirk that attractive women make me dumber.
So, I tell my partner that I love her despite the fact that we haven’t had sex in weeks, because I don’t want to have sex with anyone else anyway.
But, I totally do want to have sex with other people. So, how have I reconciled my desired attitude with the biological drive impelling me to leave my partner or commit infidelity?
Simple: I made a rational decision to conflate the physical act of sex with the baggage and stressfulness of flirting and having to deal with yet another person’s sh*t. I definitely do not want that, and so this simple trick of cognitive gymnastics has pretty much insulated my relationship from the perils threatened by all of those feral, attractive women, out in the wild.
But, the last solution is not foolproof. How would I respond if I were offered sex, with no strings attached? What would I do if I didn’t have to pay for it and could be ascertained that there were no health risks?
Thankfully, both of the above edge-case scenarios do not happen within the realm of common experience, and so I have not had to confront them. Yet, how I would respond to those situations is still an important concern. The answer informs me as to the nature of my character.
Regrettably, I have cheated in the past. Not on my current partner, but with an ex. I was never caught, but just the knowledge of what I’d done made me question my worth. I felt like a shitty person, unworthy of love. Which fed directly into my state of mind of “adequate being sufficient” when I met and settled with my current partner. D*mn.
So, cheating is off the table. But, what’s to stop me from entirely breaking off this less-than-ideal relationship for the chance at hypothetical amazing, free, sex with no strings attached?
Is It Love?
Maybe.
There are probably more, better ways for me to show my partner I love her. But, I can’t fathom what those could be. I am at wit’s end here, because love is inherently arational.
I just wish she wouldn’t get so upset when I talk, hang out with, or even dance with other girls. I try to act the same way towards boys so she sees it’s purely platonic; so that she doesn’t need to doubt that I love her.
Because attraction, by itself, is not unfaithfulness. It’s natural.
