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I hate app-life; at just 28 years old, I already feel elderly reading articles like this. I last posted a Facebook status 6 days ago. I last tweeted March 3rd, and that was only because that seems the most public way to share a video capture from my Playstation 4 to people on a message board. My actual last tweet was February 12th, when I listed my incredibly timely five favorite albums of 2016 in no order. I don’t have a Twitter client on my phone, desktop or laptop — I still use I’ve taken photos with the intention of sharing to Instagram and then deleted them a week later after rediscovering them on my phone and realizing it wasn’t that interesting and I never shared it; my last Instagram was May 19th, promoting something for work. Before that, a cocktail I had on February 10th because it had bacon for a garnish. My least favorite rap trend of the past two years has been the phrase “IG”, though I’ve come around to ironic use of “da Gram.”

I have never downloaded Snapchat, and I’ve seen maybe two videos on someone else’s phone. I’ve never made an Instagram story or watched any; I like permanence or at least the illusion of it. It’s the same reason I horde files in my iTunes library I’ve been building since 2006 and only begrudgingly use Spotify when I have to leave my external HDD at home. I mostly wait until a single is on the radio, or the album is out in the case of the many, many artists who can’t crack midwestern hip-hop radio Top 20s, to hear them.

So when I read these articles, it’s a bit like reading about people who wrestle pigs or something. I can’t imagine that’s an activity people engage in, but I know it is, and I’m entertained by the oddness of it all.

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