A Personal Status Report: February 4th, 2016

I’m walking.

At times, I feel as though my life is a stage play. While the audience cheers and jeers, I realize that my work is the subject of their entertainment. In a moment of serene pensiveness, I reason with self and acknowledge that their worth is the subject of my entertainment. Whether my work is praised or overlooked, I know that my work is never to be juxtaposed to my well being. For the times I’ve been admired the most, have been the times I’ve been mired the most. I have yet to find the balance.

I once had a situation, that I thought was tried and true. But yet, when it was over she showed signs of being tired, it’s true. As we stood and looked at the mirror together, I took solace in this single piece of fainting solidarity. She pulls out a rag to see a clear reflection, when she’s done with her side she sees no streaks and no smudges. She sets the rag down. I wish she had handed it to me, but the rag had become heavy with the sully of our experiences. I choose to pick it up, but I can’t raise my arms to clean. Instead, I carefully unhinge the mirror and in a fit of hurt and confusion I send it crashing to the ground. We stand and look at the broken pieces together, but this time we stand on opposing ends, unison is no more. While I can choose to pray to reverse my seven years of bad luck, I opt to drop to my knees and pray for understanding. Although her choosing to find herself, doesn’t include me, me choosing to understand this conclusion will always involve we. Understanding isn’t easy. When you have Hulk like strength, but you choose to be mindful like Bruce Banner, that’s a level of understanding that comes with time.

I’m sitting.

Now, I must walk down the path of fluctuating levels of intimacy. While those who were once symbolic appetizers to me, have now become main courses to someone who orders without looking at the price. I’m forced to see the raving Yelp reviews, I’m happy for she. I too would leave a review, but I can’t find my login info. I’ll leave it be, interesting, I guess some things remain the same.

As far as work, it’s moving. Always. I must maintain a healthy level of resistance as it relates to diving all in. Because truth be told, your work loves you to an extent. Nothing is guaranteed, so as an entrepreneur as much as I love what I do, I also have to face the fact that my work and I, may be standing looking in the mirror too one day.

Are you still watching?

I’m walking again and a car pulls over as I’m contemplating all these things and the guy gets out and hands me a flier, he’s an rapper and painter, he says, “I’m just trying to get my work out there!”