Hey stranger — 3

Hey stranger, I need to talk to you because I hurt myself again and I don’t know who to turn to.

I don’t feel well at all, an overwhelming sense of things going wrong, overthinking and second guessing every little thing. Endless what ifs and so then.

I somehow got myself in a closed cycle of thinking, every thought leads to another and it doesn’t end or stop, it just keeps going on and getting repeated, always bringing me back to the same spot and then from there it’s an endless string of what ifs and so then, if that then this, if this then that. I want out. I want out. I need out I’m tired.

I’m shaking and shivering, I’m fighting myself and losing. I’m crying out for help in probably the most passive aggressive way possible, and I don’t even mean to. Crying for help is another endless string of what ifs and so then. Where does the line of really needing help or just asking for attention stands? I don’t want the latter, I don’t mean the latter, I just need help. What if it gets understood that I’m asking for attention what if I’m just an attention whore what if I’m just pretending what if I’m just desperate what if this is not real what if this is real what if I talk then you’d think I’m trying to ruin your life what if you think I’m just a drama queen what if I’m just fake what if. I don’t know anymore and I don’t know what is real anymore, I don’t even know if I’m making sense right now but I just need to do this.

Do you think I’m just looking for attention by talking to you? Maybe I should shut up, but where do I go from there? What do I do from here? I need you, what’s going on?

She told me I’m repressing a natural need to talk and ask for help, yet talking to her I still felt like I’m just being a bother and a burden, I still felt like shit afterward. I wanna say I’m sorry, I feel guilty for being a burden on you, I wanna come again and talk to you but I don’t know if I can without bothering you, you are not gonna read this and I’m too scared to tell you this in person.

I’m scared. And lost.

Hey stranger, the memories are haunting me, they are like a never ending nightmare that has somehow made its way to my reality and is always playing along it now. Everyday, every second. Words, sentences, scenes, faces, emotions, tears, actions..all of them, everything is haunting me. I want to start over, I want to let it go, they are not letting me, he is not letting me. I feel like the awful person he told me I am. Maybe it’s true, but I really don’t know what’s true anymore.

I want this to stop, how do I make it stop? I feel really sick and tired. I hurt myself, yet my hands are still shaking and my head is heavy. It’s really heavy I feel like it’s weighing me down and I can barely hold it up. Vision is not clear either and everything feels unreal. The keyboard I’m typing on, the people I’m thinking of and the blade I’m holding on to, and just everything.