Hey stranger, I’m lost again. — 2

Hey there, the stranger in my head, the one I talk to when I haven’t got a friend. It’s only you and me now, and I feel like talking to you because I keep thinking and trying to figure out where did things go wrong, what have become.

I don’t like talking anymore, I don’t like sharing anymore, I don’t like having friends anymore, sometimes I don’t even like you. It’s not me, I know, and I vowed to never be like this but here I am. It doesn’t matter what happens, good or bad, I don’t have anyone to run to and share it with, and I don’t feel like sharing it even if I had someone. It feels weird to be talking to you now, it’s uncomfortable a bit too, I don’t know you and I don’t know me. I’m not comfortable. I’m lost. I want to curl into a ball and hide, I want to cry.

It gets really lonely like this, like really, but I’m still not sure if there is actually a better option. I don’t think anything else I might do could be a better option. Things get complicated when you open up and let people in, really complicated. Expectations and commitment, the list of what ifs you have to worry about gets longer and the things you say will be used against you, the small things and the silly things too. Why should I talk then? Why open up even? Like really, no matter what happens I really don’t feel like talking about it anymore, I don’t wanna tell anyone even if I feel the need to. I don’t wanna tell you about why I’m happy, and I don’t wanna tell you about why I’m sad. I don’t want to. It doesn’t matter and you don’t really care unless you can use it against me. I don’t wanna tell you about my favorite show or the latest book I bough, fuck you okay? And I don’t wanna tell you why I want to smash my head against a wall because fuck you too. Fuck you. I don’t wanna open up anymore, I don’t wanna be me, I don’t wanna make friends.

Hey stranger, it hurts you know? I’m crying, it really hurts. I want a hug and I want to smash my head against a wall. Are you even there? The friends you think you have are not your friends, and you are as alone as you feel you are. Pretty fucking lonely.

I’m sitting on the sidewalk and everyone is passing by without giving a second thought, that’s how it feels sometimes. I’m the one who preferred to sit on the sidewalk, because being anywhere else is not a better option, and that not to say that the option I chose is ‘good’; it’s just how things got to be.

You suck. Everyone suck. I’m lonely as fuck and I’m crying. Fuck off.