Dominic Bartolone
Dec 18, 2015 · 4 min read

7 Reasons Why Prius Owners Are Bad Drivers

Driving in Southern California traffic is a soul-seizing grind. But getting stuck behind a Prius will make your commute that much worse. Day in and day out, I am perplexed by the way Prius drivers execute everyday driving tasks with such utter disregard for those around them. Ever wonder what makes these Prius owners such awful drivers? Well I do. I’ve spent countless hours behind Prius drivers contemplating on just what makes them tick. My research is your gain. So, I now openly share the seven reasons why I believe Prius drivers are the worst on the road.

  1. It’s Their First Car — Yes, it’s the only car they’ve ever known. Six weeks earlier they were driving a white Prius with a large “AAA driving school” sticker on the door. They now believe that since this is the first car they learned to drive, it’s the only car they can drive. But they couldn’t be more wrong. They don’t know how to drive! And what’s the deal with every K1 visa arrival driving a Prius? Do they arrive in America and immediately get handed the keys to their very own vanilla bean colored Prius? Just sayin.
  2. They Can’t Hear The Engine Running — Hybrid Prius owners have a conundrum. Is my motor actually running? What is a motor? Since they don’t actually know how the car operates, it’s hard for them to understand when it’s time to drive. Stopped in traffic, it gets so calm and peaceful inside that they forget they’re even on the road. This explains the huge gaps between the car in front of every Prius. It’s not uncommon to see five, six, or even 10 car lengths between a Prius and it’s nearest in-front neighbor. Immersed in the serenity, they begin to check messages, text gramma (who may have bought them the car) or just completely zone out, only awakend by an angry honk or obscenity-backed flipped bird.
  3. They’re Fidgety Nerds — During covert observations I’ve noticed that nearly two-thirds of all Prius owners reach for something in the console or glovebox while stopped in traffic. Is it a Rubiks cube? A plotting calculator? Or are they just checking their Candy Crush high score? Well, it’s hard to tell. All I know is that they’re constantly fidgeting about inside the car and playing with something rather than reinforcing their driving skills.
  4. It’s Nearly 50% Glass — Since the Prius is overwhelmingly manufactured out of glass, it’s no wonder the drivers are uncomfortable and distracted. My God, have you seen the seen the windshield? It’s like 9 cubic feet! Even with the air conditioner on, you must feel like an ant under a magnifying glass. I mean, is window tint not even available as an option? It wouldn’t surprise me if these people arrive to work with cataracts and stage III melanoma. It’s the only vehicle to require you to use sunscreen before you drive.
  5. They’re Oversized People Crammed Into an Undersized Car — More times than not, it’s a gigantic person squeezed into the tiny car. Whether it’s a 6' 9" Brad Garrett looking mofo, or a, eh-hmm, robust woman, I’m like “what the hell were you people thinking when you bought this car?” “Yes, two inches clearance on all sides is all I need.” It’s not uncommon to see the drivers arm pressed up against the window looking like a canned ham on a glass coffee table. It’s kind of hard to hit your blinker when you’re pinned ass-to-elbows against the car’s interior. No one yet understands the mystery behind this phenomenon.
  6. They Support Bernie Sanders — Not all Prius owners support Bernie Sanders, yet I’m quite sure all Bernie Sanders’ supporters drive Prius’. So how does this affect their driving, you may ask. Well, Sanders is an avowed Socialist. He believes nobody should have to pay for anything — except the wealthy and big corporations, of course. So there is no doubt that the Bernie sticker-placing Prius owner believes that it is the other driver’s responsibility to look out for him. Just as he believes someone else should pay for his college education, he also believes that someone else should be responsible for the way he drives. You can be stuck in traffic behind a big black SUV and wondering, “what the mother F’n hell is going on!” As you change lanes and pass, you see it — Yep, just as I thought… A Prius with a Bernie sticker four cars ahead of the SUV driving 20 in a 45. Fuel the Bern!
  7. They’re Out To Save The Planet- Whether it’s the fifty-something, single, scarf-wearing-in-August paralegal, or a sixth-year Sociology major undergrad headed to their job at Footlocker, they’ve got one thing in common — they’re out to save the planet. They believe, wrongly, that driving their Prius slow as shit, will somehow stave off the calamity of man. They’re gonna save this world no matter how many people they inconvenience. Or, they could just be completely clueless. The jury is still out on this one. Either way, you look in the car to see the driver, hands at ten-n-two, seat up so far that they are fogging the windshield, L.A. Weekly rolled up in the window to block out the sun, and you just get the sense that somethings not quite right with this person.

Readers should consider this article not as an absolute but only an observation. I’m sure you’ve all had your run-ins with a Prius or two. I would love to hear about your experiences and how the Prius driver has affected your life. But my years of ardent study and careful observation have led me to conclude that Prius owners are absolutely the worst drivers on the highways and byways of America. The more you know.

Dominic Bartolone

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