Maybe I should just accept that I am not going to be happy in life.
Wouldn’t that be easier than feeling sad because I am not happy ‘yet’ as if it is something that will happen on its own eventually? I mean I do have happy moments in my life. But deep down, I feel emotional dissatisfied. I have a suspicion this is because I am not in a relationship. It sounds ridiculous, but that is honestly where my suspicions lie.
I am truly hopeless in finding a partner. I’ve been alive 20 years and I’ve only ever had one girlfriend. I don’t think she’s even considered my pathetic month-long attempt at being a boyfriend as anything serious. I feel so empty every time I eventually realise there is no one out there for me who can be more than a friend. This has metastasised into an emotional barrier preventing me feeling happy when I’ve gone home after a night out with my mates. I long for a day when this feeling no longer washes over me when I am trying to sleep at night, where I am only with my thoughts.
Thus, I’ve concluded, maybe if I take away the expectation of happiness it’ll reduce the overall amount of sadness I feel day to day. I mean, I still won’t be happy either way, but at least I can take away the pain of disappointment which comes from waiting for some sort of happiness to eventually come into life, when it never does.
But then again, this is stupid and I am being completely ridiculous. I’m only 20. I’ve got a few years left in me. Maybe things could change? Or maybe this is exactly the type of futile hope that raises my expectations high yet another time, only for them to be dashed like always. Why am I not used to this pain? Maybe a better question is, why haven’t things changed yet?