A Disgraceful Exit

An Open Letter to K

So here it is. I am publishing my unsent letter to you, K.

I believe that I have lost the right to ask you to read this one with an open heart. I know. But I would appreciate it if you take time to read what I finally have to say. In fact, I never expect you to. But just knowing that you know that I took to this page to say what has been left unsaid, that would make that brief summer in my winter of a life entirely priceless.

I felt dreamy being with you. I have many times imagined how I’m going to tell you that I like you and that we should try being more than friends. I have imagined ending every day seeing you and talking about how it went; how you would let me judge your cooking/baking and how I would get all fat from it. I have also imagined walking with you every day; watching our home team’s every basketball game and how we will both get too braggy with post-game analyses like we are the ultimate basketball gods.

I honestly felt connected with you. I even went as far as hinting that I was actually starting to fall in love with you. But life is unpredictable—sometimes good but almost always a bitch.

Now, all I can ever do is miss everything that I have chosen to miss. I miss the movie(s). I miss the basketball games. I miss the walks. I miss the talks.

I miss you, K. But truth be told, I think that whatever happened between us was actually for the best. I have accepted the fact that I am entirely incapable of handling a relationship that fragile and I will forever live in shame for it. Hell, I can’t even talk to you personally. I cannot even return a holiday greeting for fear of dropping another wrong impression that have so far carried me to where I am today.

It was the truth when I told you that I was utterly insensitive to you. But that was because I was completely the same to everyone else. I wanted to explain to you what happened so that you get the closure that you deserve but even I do not get it at all anymore. I do not even know when I fell out of it all. I am a disappointment, K. Even to myself.

I can never be fully ready to face you. But when the time comes that I feel I am ready enough, I will. Just please bear with me because I took it all in blindly. I didn’t imagine that you would take it all so badly.

God knows I never intended to hurt you. But for whatever it is that I did wrong—even for this stupid attempt of mine to apologize—I am very, very sorry, K. I just wish that you find the happiness that you truly deserve. And please don’t say it’s with me because we know it’s not.

-E