There’s a part of me, a part of all of us that as adults, we tend to keep quiet. Bound and gagged sometimes too. It’s the part of us that runs towards the crashing waves of the sea, fully aware that they are going to slam us hard into the ground, but we don’t care….we just want to taste the salty water on our lips and feel the cool energy wash over our skin. It’s the part of us that dances to our own drum, laughs way too loud and loves completely unbound and unafraid. It’s our spirit. You may get glimpses of it now and then, but nothing can prepare you for the moment when you feel the pain you have caused it….
Deep into meditation, I soared above the clouds that hung low in the night sky. Illuminated by the still wakeful city beneath them. Above all the madness is pure silence. Only the sound of the air rushing past my ears and the rhythm of my wings as they carry me through this secret, peaceful place. I fly faster than I’ve ever flown before…because I have somewhere to be. A four hour car ride takes less than a minute when I know she’s waiting.
I see her house. The light grey siding, the pool in the back yard glistening in the moon light. Bats diving in and spinning all around. Then she’s there. Hovering above the tree line, waiting for me.
Something rushes over my body. Excitement, nerves, happines…love. We embrace and spin because it’s just what we do…then we burst back into the clouds and move through the night sky together. We do not talk with words. We touch now and then and wrap around each other and laugh. Time is slower above the clouds. There is no rushing, no need to fill space with our words or even our thoughts. We just ARE here.
All too soon though, I’m back in my studio. I’m aware of my earth body and how it rests in the corner upon some pillows. I’m aware of the candlelight all around the room. I’m aware that there is two of me. One that sits in meditation and one that flies with her at will. I always imagined my spirit was the one that moved through meditation, but I had never actually seen her apart from my body. Where has she been all this time? I begin to see from my earth body as if my eyes are open, but they aren’t. She stands in front of me, my spirit and smiles at the spirit of my love…the one that she flew with that night. They embrace and then my love backs through some sort of energy field and disappears. My spirit tries to follow, but that doorway is not for her. Then my heart breaks and a black hole rips through my chest. It’s dark and heavy and the pain is unbearable. She cries out loud and starts hitting the invisible wall….she screams for her love and then turns to face me.
“WHY?” She screams through tears. She doesn’t understand why our love has left us here in this space. She doesn’t understand why we can not follow.
She is so beautiful. Long, ebony hair that flows almost to her elbows. Skin the color of a rainy night sky with a hint of light inside. Green eyes that reflect the birth of Spring. The wings she carries are twice the size of her, black and tatered in some areas. She blames me, I can tell. She is angry that my earth body is in charge here. I weap with her. I cry so hard that I can barely breathe. I kept her imprisoned all these years and I am just now understanding. She was asleep…I was asleep and it took the love of the spirit that was just with us to wake her up. She softens and realizes that we are in this together.
She drops her shoulders and walks toward me. With one last look back to make sure that our love has really left, she turns and sits back into my body. She pulls her wings in tight and I feel my skin ache to tuck them inside. My skin heats up and feels like it’s ripping and my mind wonders if this is all real…then my back arches with such discomfort that I almost rip from meditation and open my eyes. She carries so much pain, she is broken. I broke her and she’s allowing me to feel it now. She sinks into our shell, allows herself to be bound by the laws of this plane and her weeping echoes through my head.
I find my voice, my earth voice and tell her, “It’s just not time yet.”
She coils herself deeper inside and her light fades, her tears dry and she turns to stone. The weight of her heavy heart grounds me back into the floor that my body rests on. I gasp for a breath and slowly wake.
Tears still pour down my cheeks. My breath is still labored and that hole in my chest…remains.
I find a way to move my hands and feet, then curl up into a ball on the floor as if I’m holding her inside of me. Embracing her with understanding all that just happened.
“I won’t let you sleep again.” I promise her.