Nycole Lloyd
Sep 9, 2018 · 4 min read
RIP Geoffrey

My father died and no one told me.

Yesterday I learnt that my biological father died. Well he died six months ago, but I only just heard about it yesterday. Weird right??

My parents separated when I was about three years old and I never knew my dad growing up. For many reasons I had always been told that my father was dead. Aaah, the joys of a dysfunctional family…. *insert sarcasm and an eye roll here*

My mum remarried while I was still quite young, and I was lucky enough to have a fantastic relationship with my step-dad, so he was the only father I knew. And because we had a good connection I didn’t feel that I missed out on having a father figure to watch over me, so I was good with it all.

I literally did not even know that my biological father was alive until I was about 19 and so by the time I met him it was really just to get to know the man who played a part in bringing me into existence. I didn’t meet him with any grand agenda of creating a beautiful ‘father-daughter’ relationship that I never had because I already had that with my step-dad.

Over the years I saw my father regularly. I always thought he was a pretty nice guy. He was an interesting character — an old bushie with a dry sense of humour, a quick with and a talent for writing poetry. He was a creative who enjoyed drawing, making things with leather and playing card games. He once tried to teach me how to crack a whip (I’m bloody hopeless by the way) and he introduced me to archery as that was one of his passions.

Along the way I made peace with the fact that this person, this man who could technically claim the right to call himself my father, had walked out of my life early on in the piece and by default had handed over the role of ‘dad’ to someone else. I liked my father well enough, he was good bloke, but I only saw him when I made the effort to do so and in between times it was radio silence. He was a guy that was nice to visit but he’d never been a parental figure and that was ok.

I haven’t seen him for about two years.

Then yesterday my eldest daughter, who actually has maintained a bit more of a relationship with her grandpa decided to drop in and pay him a visit. And that’s when she learned that he died six months ago. Oh. So that’s awkward….

And I can’t help but wonder why no one thought to tell me? And what would have happened it my daughter had not thought to go for a visit?

In truth, I am not grieving my father’s death. The relationship we had was tenuous and his absence just feels normal. I don’t have regrets. I enjoyed the connections we had in the moments we had them and that’s that.

What I am bugged about though is that somehow it appears I forfeited the right to be notified when a significant life event occurred. I mean, death is pretty significant, right? Did I inadvertently agree to give up the status of ‘daughter’ and therefore any possible rights to my place within family events because I stopped visiting so often?

Maybe I am making too much of an issue over this. Yep, I acknowledge that I wasn’t the model of a devoted offspring but at no point did it mean that I didn’t care or didn’t respect his place in my life.

Or is it simply the case that everyone in my father’s life (his partner, his step kids, my uncles, and extended family) all just coincidently lost my phone number? How much effort did they actually put into placing that one courtesy call??? WTAF?

I don’t have answers for this. Just a lot of questions. I can’t work out if my expectations were set too high or if this estranged relationship has been interpreted by those around my father to be one in which I just don’t rank…. Either way, it’s made me consider how I will conduct my other family relationships going forward and to be a bit more conscious about not letting time slip away between visits.

It’s also time for me to deal with my grief and say goodbye.

Nycole Lloyd

Written by

End of Life Consultant; Death and Dying Education and Support services; Speaker. I’m all about changing the conversations and approach around death and dying.

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