I’ve been thinking about forgiveness a lot this week. Forgiveness is such a tricky topic because we all struggle with it sometimes. There are all sorts of definitions and reasons and moral obligations surrounding forgiveness and some of them are religious, and some are self-righteous, and some are genuinely healthy. However, at the end of the day it can be really difficult not to look at all of the sources that want you to forgive the people who have deeply wounded us and say, “what do you really know about me” or “easier said than done” or “who the heck are you to tell me what to do?!” The wounded child in every one of us has extremely good reasons not to forgive. To be honest, the wounded adult in every one of us has extremely good reasons not to forgive.

I’d like to take a moment to think about the sensation of holding a grudge. For me, it’s uncomfortable. I feel it in my stomach and when I consider it I get so angry I make little fists and I may even hold my breath. My thoughts feel as though they are yelling and I find myself having a conversation in my head with the person who has offended my senses in whatever way that consists of me having all of the comebacks I wish I had had at the time of the offense. Sometimes in my head, I even think about kicking them or cussing at them. The more I think about it the angrier I become until I really can’t imagine being anywhere near them. If I have to see them in public my insides are fuming while my exterior is cold, and visibly closed off. I don’t like this feeling, and yet, letting go of it can be excruciating.

What is it about the sensation of anger that is so painful and so welcoming? Why do we as humans have difficulty letting go of slights? I don’t have a good answer for that. I have not done a lot of research on the psychology of anger, although I am certain that anger exists to help keep us safe. Anger happens when a boundary of ours has been violated or overlooked, or occasionally marched on. So then, if anger is meant to keep us safe, why the cliché of forgive and forget? Perhaps it makes more sense to forgive and remember, but not to dwell.

I find the following Mark Twain quote particularly poignant:

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

While the image expresses that you, the violet, have been crushed, physically, there is such a beauty to the violet’s response: a gift. Forbear, forgive, and forbid all have the same root. Forgiveness is literally an act of giving.

In this TED talk: How to Buy Happiness, Michael Norton discusses how we can buy happiness through giving gifts. Think about how incredible that is. Just consider how different you feel when you buy yourself something that you’ve wanted and how you feel when you give someone who needs it or who you love. The feeling of seeing their face light up, what a gift?!

So here is my final thought on forgiveness. If you forgive someone, and don’t tell them about it, the major benefit is that you never have to feel the rage again. They may not know, but either way, that situation can be finished for you. If you forgive someone and can talk about it with them you may be able to mend the relationship and create a friendship that is stronger and safer in the future.

This week, I encourage you to consider the people in you life who could use your forgiveness, and at the front of them, yourself. Think about how much better you will feel with the forgiveness that you give away, than with the anger that you keep.

Keep thinking. Keep breathing. Keep smiling.

Nyssa Hoerner is an LMFT-Associate, supervised by Bill Woodburn, LPC, LMFT, MEd, and is currently accepting new clients. Her website is www.nyssahoernercounseling.com