How Do You Unfreeze Yourself?

I’ve been frozen for a few months now. In this new city I only have my job and my sister. My job is easily 50–60 hours a week, meaning I can come home, call my mom while I heat something up for dinner, then pop open my lap top and work until I’m tired. Or you know, watch Netflix.

On the weekends it’s all about my sister and my nephew. After living overseas, away from them for so long, I want to be there to help with everything. To help refinish cabinets on a hot, sweaty day. To help do her hair and makeup for her gala event. To watch my nephew while my sister and her husband go to a friend’s house for dinner. It’s easy to put off having my own life when I can simply help someone else with theirs. Codependent much?

It’s what got me in trouble in the first place. Helping my ex with his life. Through substance abuse, getting partial custody of his kids, creating a stable home. We made progress and I thought at some point it would swing the other way. Then I realized, no, it was only getting harder. This was the Never Ending Story: Everest Edition.

So I took of my engagement ring, packed two suitcases and left. No more substances, no more chaos, no more taking care of other people’s children, no more anything. I wandered around the States for a few months before settling down here. I’m 34 and single, with no friends in this city. Everything is freaking me out. I used to love to put on my shoes and go for a run. Even when I lived in the worst neighborhood in Brooklyn at 18 years old, I’d run down the avenue towards Flatbush at night, not a care in the world. Now, I live blocks from a gorgeous trail but I’m too frozen to venture out. It’s frustrating because it feels like the second I take those steps, things will click into place. Click. There I’ll be again.

But it’s not happening. It’s just work and home endlessly until the weekend brings some family time. That’s not going to be enough for much longer, I’m almost ready for more. So I took the first step and signed up for a class that scares me. Then I invited a friend from NYC to come stay with me. I made a Reiki appointment to try something new even if I’m not sure it will actually do anything.

I really miss my old, fearless (naive?) self. I don’t always know who the fuck this is, in my skin right now. Maybe I’ve seen too much to be that fearless. But that’s ok. I’m getting back on my feet. I’ll have a life soon enough, when I’m ready. Until then, perhaps I’m meant to enjoy the peace, take care of myself and do a few things that safely scare me so I can remember how fun life can be. Taking those little steps towards being myself again.

We out here, getting ready to think about starting to do some things.

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